July 17, 2012

• four eyes

  I’m some kind of silly today.  (Who I am kidding? I’m often some kind of silly.)  Yesterday I had the wonderful pleasure of visiting my very fine optician to find out why the heck I can’t read the phone book anymore.  Dang, it sucks to get old.  She upped the voltage on the close up side of my bifocals.  For crying out loud, it does stick in my craw that I have to have bifocals now (I mean again. still. already.)  Bifocals are for 80 year olds not 40 year olds.  (Isn’t that great how I just made you think I’m closer to 40 than 50?  I’m so clever.)  Where was I?  Oh, yes, I’m telling you about glasses prescriptions because I went to pick out my new frames because I would like to be able to read the phone book and to see words without holding them across the room.  I took Spawn with me.  Begged her actually.  Because.. 1) how in the heck can I pick out frames when I can’t freaking see and 2) she has good taste and 3) she can be entertaining.  She was clearly more than ok with this considering a conversation we had on the way home.  Which you’ll have to wait for because I’m pretending to be focused and chronologically organized.  I hope that’s working, because I’m actually neither today.

  Anyhow.  Spawn and I were at Target- kinda in a hurry because we had an hour to pick out, pay, and get back across town to pick up LLO.  We were late.  Which earned me a lecture since I was late to class this morning which meant Spouseman was late to pick up LLO from swim practice and therefore she was even later to camp than usual.  So I’m a little bit in the doghouse with her.  Funny girl at dinner asked if I was done eating.  I had food on my fork at the time and a plate full of food.  So, no, I wasn’t.  I asked if she wanted me to be done so she could watch tv.  Yes, of course that was the answer.  It was made clear that I didn’t care if she watched some mind-numbing tv as long as it was not My Freaking Little Pony.  For the record, she was busy all day, so she got a slow start on the brain rotting today.

  Target.  Spawn and I are at Target picking out my new glasses.  There really is a story here.  About glasses.  So we’re looking at all kinds of things and she’s giving me her opinion and such.  Then I start channeling my connection with apple woman and her funny story about shopping.  Oh, it wasn’t shopping today, it was hospital gowns.  But recently she had the story about hardware.  And her shopping stories make me laugh.  And apparently her hospital gown stories do too, because I was thinking about that and laughing to myself.  Until it wasn’t to myself anymore.

  Glasses.  I forget what even started it, but we got in the mode.  And by the time we’re sitting down at the little table, we have the salesclerk smiling too.  And I have my nose in the mirror trying on all these funky glasses because I can’t see.  Incidentally, her name was my name too, minus the e.  Do you know that song?  John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt, la la la la la la la la.  Here it is if you don’t know it.  Did you like Sesame Street?  I never really did.  And neither did my kids.  Of course Elmo was in his own world by the time my kids were Sesame Street age and holy crap that is bad stuff.  Although I do like Mr. Noodle.  On Elmo’s World. Get your mind out of the gutter.

  Yea. So my name minus the e suggests I flip the mirror over to the big side and I about jumped out of my chair because no one needs to see their face that big and I still couldn’t see anyhow.  And she laughed.  We’re looking at all these glasses and Spawn can’t focus today either.  She says she slept too much. I think my excuse is I slept too little.  And frankly I’m annoyed with her a little bit.  We had that conversation in the car too.  Where she has this great life of sleeping in and reading all day.  Wouldn’t it be great to be a teenager again.  I would love that.  That was the best life.

  Finally picked out the ones.  They are blue.  Not joking even.  I’m going from Bo Ring to blue.  They are just so cool.  I’m thinking to myself in the store that I might need to be getting my grown up out for a test drive.  You know.  Graduate. Get a real job.  Quite playing around.  Set a good example.  And then I pick out blue glasses.  I almost picked out glasses that were very much like the glasses I had in the 80′s or 90′s.  Because I loved glasses back then.  Big honking suckers that covered your whole face.  Those were the kind of glasses I liked.  Not these puny little things that just help you see.  I prefer multi-purpose eyewear.

  Anyhow. So we’re doing all the glasses lining up things.  Spawn and I carrying on the whole time.  My name minus the e tells me to sit up straight and put my hands in my lap.  And honestly, can I do that?  I give it a good try, but I’m already working up a giggle.  And she’s trying to make a line on the glasses (probably for those damn bifocals) and then my name minus e starts laughing too.  She can’t draw a straight line.  I just started giggling.  Couldn’t stop.  Finally we both calm down (mostly) and she gets the line drawn. 

  Spawn notices this poster of a girl with big brown eyes (who must be advertising contacts) and she says “she’s staring deep into my soul”.  Yes, my girl is a poet.  And I said, “she wants you to clean your room”.  My name minus e thought that was hilarious.  Pretty sure she’s pregnant, so I think if she doesn’t already know about children and their cleanliness issues, she will.  This is the portion of the adventure where I realize we have to leave like right this second if I have a prayer of being on time.  I tell Spawn to go get her sister.  And this results in the expected eye rolling.  This is my current favorite joke.  It never fails to get the right response.  MOM. I’m TOO YOUNG TO DRIVE.  Golly that cracks me up.  We pursued this line of conversation as it’s either laugh about the impending doom of the world (as that kid hits the road) or start popping those drugs that are good for ulcers because who in the heck is going to teach her how to drive.  She mentioned that her grandfather is a responsible adult.  I jumped on the “I do not think so” bandwagon pretty fast on that.  Both of those elder male drivers are just freaking terrifying on the road.  She truthfully asserts that Grandpa could teach her how to buy tires and change her oil.  Absolutely.  But I had to add that she already knows how to lick tires.  Because that is my second favorite joke.  The girl licked one tire when she was 4 because she wanted to know something about that.  (I’m serious.)  I’ll be in the old folks home still razzing her about that.  Because it gets the right response.  For a smart girl, she really isn’t so smart sometimes. 

  We carried on the whole time we were there.  My name minus e thanked us for being the most fun she’d had all day.  We thanked her as well.  (And I bought blue glasses.)  It’s no fun to make a scene when it isn’t appreciated.

  On the ride home, Spawn asks me if we can have some mother/daughter bonding: shopping, lunch, something else but I forget what it was.  Absolutely.  And she asks if LLO can too.  Sure.  And LLO wants that too, but this week she’d like our bonding to be cooking.  Who is this person.

   

   

  • 9:21 pm
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