Pixie sought the colors

the soft skin

sniffed the bounteous nectar

needed the sweetness.

He spread the petals gently

to get to the soft, supple, sensitive core.

His tongue dipped in slowly

to taste if the nectar was as sweet

as delicious

as the fragrance suggested.

One lick

he knew

that this melliferous flower was the one

whose nectar was for him.

He dipped his tongue again

and again

savoring

swallowing

the succulent sweetness.

Filling his need

causing more need

he knew this flower

had to be his

and his alone.

The other day I was having a conversation with a friend about pickles.  Yes, really.  This friend was all kinds of impressed because I make my own pickles.  Let me tell you all about homemade pickles.  First of all, it’s not all that hard.  The hardest part was figuring out where I put the recipe.  I ended up looking online again.  Pickles are forgiving as well.  Because the directions tell you exactly what to do with ice and timing and so on, but you don’t really have to follow those directions to the letter.  Thank goodness, because I have a short attention span and I’m not really all that great at following directions.   Second, it’s pretty darn cheap.  Because I can go to the Amish farmer’s market, tell them I need pickling cucumbers, and then they go in the secret place and bring out an enormous box of cucumbers for $8.  This box of cucumbers is enough to keep me whining about the endless pickle project for days. (refer back to short attention span.)  Third, and most importantly…

These pickles are the best pickles in the history of pickles!!  Now, I’m usually a sweet gherkin kind of girl.  But one bite of these homemade dill babies and I never looked back.  You can’t make me buy Vlasic.  And I’m not alone in my opinion.  I’ve taken my pickles to potlucks and people don’t roll their eyes.  The first summer I made them, my little pickle girl (littleloudone could live on pickles) and I were so excited.  These pickles are supposed to cure (or whatever it is) for 2 months.  TWO MONTHS!!!  LLO and I made it a week before we absolutely had to open a jar.  And we ate the whole thing.  They were so good.  Admittedly, they are even better after the full 2 months.  The first summer’s bounty was gone before January.  This summer’s bounty is still around.  Because we have forbidden LLO to bring them upstairs.  We’ve been stingy with the jars.

Notice the yumminess of these pickles.  See the garlic?  Oh my golly.  The garlic is the best part.  I don’t allow anyone to touch my garlic.  I’m not sure why I don’t put more garlic in.  Or can just pickled garlic for that matter.  Because…

yum. 

Yup.  Pickles.  We have a thing for pickles.

Puzzles.  Another matter.  The other day, good friends emailed begging for help with a really difficult puzzle.  What could I do?  I had to cart the whole family over for puzzling.  I’m that kind of humanitarian.  It was, in fact, a really difficult puzzle.  And we made very little headway on it.  All these dark Christmas ornaments.  1000 piece jobber too.  But it was a lovely 2 hours that turned into 4 hours and included leftovers from their Christmas Eve party.  Yum.  and Beatles Rock Band.  Where I displayed my prowess on the fake guitar and read the words to I am the walrus for the first time ever (and got laughed at for that).  And then there was the puzzle at the in-laws.  Another really hard 1000 piece puzzle.  (I swear that woman hates me.)  Which we had to finish before we left.  Because the puzzle must be finished.  So we left 2 hours after I planned on leaving, which was already 4 hours past when I needed to leave.  We did finish.  I did take a picture, but I messed up and didn’t actually send it to myself.  Sigh.  So you can’t see the proof that it was finished.

Procrastination.  A fact of life.  I had a simple form I need to submit to the grad school by Dec. 31.  I put it off until the beginning of December.  Then looked at the email and read that I had until the end of December, so I put it off a week.  The next week, I read the email again and read that I could do it online so I put it off another week.  So I looked at it the other day and tried to find the form online only to discover that the email says absolutely nothing about the form being online- I need to contact the grad school to do the form.  Big problem.  Because the whole university is closed this week.  So, here I sit.  Needing to fill out a form or I will lose the credits I took before I finally stopped procrastinating and applied to the grad school, but I can’t fill out the form because I procrastinated.  I’d like to smack myself upside the head for being so stupid, but I’d rather put it off until tomorrow.

Write a poem using spaces as a device, such that the reader surmises from context the line that could have been written into the space, and the poem makes sense with or without that (implied) line’s presence.

 

there’s a

 

(in the) bucket

the sand slips away

the sands marking the passage of time

time never to be regained, restored, repeated

once active hands, holding hands, productive hands do

 

not.  no purpose.  no action. 

mind, once capable of thought, humor, creativity is

 

silent, slow, deathly quiet, beyond boring

no kind words, no clever words, no words at all

dull, dry, dismal, dismayed, depleted, disappointed

null and

 

meaningless, pointless, purposeless, fruitless

tired, so tired.

need

 

to breathe, to be, to rejuvenate, to resuscitate

to fill the bucket to become

 

full. fill the bucket again

My baby is 15 today.  It doesn’t feel at all real.  This little bundle that came into my life cannot possibly be perched on the threshold of adulthood.  She came into my life as a bit of a surprise and turned it totally upside down in the best way possible.  Her dad and I had a rough time for a little while.  We were separated- I thought forever.  Then on Thanksgiving, I came to my senses and realized I didn’t want to live my life without him.  So we dated and then moved back in together.  The moment we moved back together, we started the path to the future that was the spawn.  (that might be tmi and a little hokey, but there it is.)  And she changed us both in amazing ways.

Changed a lot of people, in fact.  I remember being a little miserable on Christmas 15 years ago.  My in-laws were overjoyed.  When we called them and said we thought I was in labor (bwa ha ha- shows what I knew back then), they cheered.  She was the only grandchild on both sides and my in-laws (my parents too) were so ready to begin that portion of their lives.  They drove the worst 2 1/2 hour drive in the history of driving every other week at least for years.  It kind of drove me nuts, but they were so in love with that girl it’s sweet.  My father-in-law is a hoot.  He loved holding her when she was fussing.  He’d pat her bum so hard you could hear it across the room.  I swear she stopped crying so that the pounding would stop.  Darn, they were cute with her.

And why not?  Because she was (and is) adorable.

This little angel didn’t like to sleep at night.  There were many, many nights that we were up together.  In fact it got to the point that I’d just turn the light on in her room and stencil.  I put the cutest little balloon border in her room during those nights.  She thought I was fascinating and stopped crying.  She didn’t sleep through the night until her sister was born- 4 long years later. 

Good thing she was cute.

We had some rough times too.  When she started school it got a little ugly because she’s random and distractible and drove me out of my mind.  Summer of 2nd grade I told the pediatrician that either she or I needed to be medicated.  At the time we focused on her (I got medicated later too, but I’m happy to report we are both drug-free now).  And what a good decision that was!  Because my little ADD princess had such a wonderful 3rd grade year.  She had the perfect teacher who encouraged her creativity and kindness and helped her focus.  It was a good year.  She was the student out of nearly 400 who was chosen to direct the symphony when they came to her school.  She was in the newspaper for having her ornaments in a local shop.  She bloomed that year.  And I went from holding my breath in worry to realizing that my daughter was a lovely girl: capable, thoughtful, kind, creative.  This is the child who stills lives with me.  Each year brings more of the good to the fore.  And I thank my lucky stars.

Oh, the spawn story.  Last year, she missed the school bus practically every day in the morning.  I got irritated, really irritated, because this is what I do.  So I started calling her spawn on facebook.  Then I realized that she had a really good reason for missing the bus.  The bus is loud and she liked talking to me in the car.  So spawn became much less a negative thing in my mind.  And she admitted that she thought it was kind of funny.  So it stuck.  And we talked about a lot of things in the car.  In fact, our best conversations are still in the car.  Doesn’t mean I like picking her up from school.  But I do complain about it a lot more than I actually mean it.

Because my daughter admits to knowing me in public.  She held my hand yesterday.  She tells me random, unimportant things.  And she lets me embarrass her publicly on a regular basis.  So, it’s all good.

Happy birthday, spawn.

 

In spite of myself, I believe there will be merriment. 

I long for a Christmas where I’m done before Christmas Eve.  Spouse says I thrive in this last minute environment.  I’m not sure that I thrive, but I certainly do create it.  And I count on him to bail me out on a regular basis.

Anyhow.  Finished the girls’ Christmas dresses 30 minutes before the party.  They are happy with them.  I very nearly bailed for the first time 14 years.  I always make their Christmas dresses.  Some years have been amazing.  Not so much this year.  Although, Spawn’s was cute.  I let LittleLoudOne pick her own and it’s fugly.  I’m annoyed that she wouldn’t wear one of the 3 fancy hand-me-downs she could have chosen from.  It had to be purple.  I get that she wants her own things now.  She has decided that she lives in her sister’s shadow.  It’s ridiculous, but it what she feels is true and therefore there is no reasoning with her.

this is the year I had to make LLO a hat because someone whacked off her hair and she had a close encounter with the coffee table.

this is one of the dresses she could have worn.

another one of the dresses she could have worn.  (that’s THE chair, by the way.)

these are the dresses I skipped the party to finish.  sucker.  2008

Spouse made our contribution to the annual Christmas Eve party, thank goodness, and did a couple of the errands I ran out of time for.  We arrived almost on time.  I chose to read some poetry before going since no one else seemed in a hurry.  Party was nice, as always, but this year I got to have conversation with people I knew instead of random strangers.  So that was enjoyable. 

Then we had the kids choir Christmas Eve service, which is probably my favorite churchy thing of the whole year.  I’ve been helping with this choir since Spawn was in 1st grade.  She’s grown out of it now, as a mature 9th grader.  But anyhow.  It’s always a big surprise.  Some years the kids are so wound it’s like being dragged behind a train.  We were almost sedate this year.  There’s just something about stuff with kids.  Most of the time I like kids more than I like grown-ups.  There’s no wondering what a kid means.  They just say it right out. 

So now I’ve played Santa.  What Christmas crap there is, is under my beautiful tree.  The stockings are filled.  The last year of Santa’s bounty perched in front of the fireplace.  I can say this is the last year because 1)LLO is 11, it’s about time to be done believing 2) she emerged from her room (where she was supposed to be sleeping, ha ha) and probably saw the display anyhow  and 3) I used up the last bit of the special Santa paper and I’m not buying anymore.

I’m not likely to finish the other project I had hoped.  And I don’t seem to care anymore.  Check out these horrible socks I’m crocheting.  Spawn’s are practically thigh high.  I started LittleLoudOne’s second, so they are both much shorter and not striped.  I’m just not that stupid. Of course, Spawn’s are done.  LLO’s not so much.

And I’m waiting for my 2nd favorite churchy thing.  But instead of singing with the choir, I’ll be playing bells (which ought to go really well, since I only rehearsed once, I’ve been enjoying my boxed wine, and I’m not all that bright after a certain time of day.)  But still, it will be beautiful.  And it’s the way I start off my Christmas.  This is the point where it isn’t about what I need to finish.  It’s about choosing how to be, who to be, and enjoying the time I have with who I get to spend it with.  Yay.  So.  Cranky grinch person is nearly gone.

Hey, people out there.  Here’s what I have to say.  Merry Christmas or whatever you’re celebrating.

We’ve got a birthday over here.  My baby, Littleloudone, is now 11.  And I think it’s all quirky and stuff that she is 11 on 12/21/2011.  It’s numerically entertaining.  She’s all kinds of entertaining.  She has a funny way of looking at things.  And I never know what wild thing is going to come out of her mouth.  Occasionally, it’s something appropriate.  Oh golly.  I just remembered a couple years ago at a huge family Thanksgiving, she repeated my favorite curse of the time, which maybe I oughtn’t pass along here. (sonuvascumsuckingturdlicker)  I about crawled under the table.  Where I belonged, of course.  When she was a toddler, into everything and trying desperately to cause herself permanent harm, we had an alarm system- the older sister would say LLO alert (which of course sounds better with her real name).  LLO eventually learned to give herself away when she was headed where she didn’t belong.  Oh, here’s another.  Spouse was mowing the grass and LLO wanted to talk to him.  He turned off the mower and she said “Daddy, the lawn miller is loud and stinky!”  He said, “just like daddy.”  She clarified, “Daddy, you’re not loud!”  Oh.  and my personal favorite:  “Daddy, you are my Whole World…. but Mommy’s better.”

For her birthday, she told me she wanted dinner and red velvet cake.  Why does she want red velvet cake? 

I know what I’ll be doing tonight.  She got a new Wii game (egads like we needed more screen junk).  But it’s the dance game with California Gurls and Take On Me. 

Anyhow.  Happy birthday to the loudest, most amusing critter in my house.  I’m so glad that the teenage years are looming, because we need just a few more mood swings in this house.

(I’m hopeful at some point this week that I will be capable of stringing together more than a sentence at a time.)

 

I was staring out the window this morning at the micro snowflakes.   The cold is getting to me.  Deep.  Perhaps because of this:

Yea, I’ve probably shared this one before.  Because I love it.  But today it is has special significance.  Maybe not the whole song, but the title for sure.  Because I’ve been hiding out here in the land where I feel people listen to me and avoiding the land where I feel they don’t.  I like being heard. 

Unfortunately, I’ve also been heard in the real world.  I’ve been skipping things I’ve theoretically wanted to do or things I need to do this whole week, because I’m in a weird place.  Some things no big deal.  Some very much a big deal.

Thoughtless deeds can never be undone.

I didn’t go to work yesterday.. again.  I’ve been sick twice since Thanksgiving.  So I lied and said I was sick again.  Maybe it wasn’t a lie, I’m just not physically sick.  And I think I probably wasn’t replaced which is a bad thing for the classroom of people I say I love.  I can’t help being irritated that I wasn’t replaced on Wednesday when I was doing them a favor by subbing for the art teacher.  I know the secretary was irritated with me yesterday.  I’m pretty sure the teacher I work with was too, because she didn’t email me back.  And I know the kids missed me.  But I just couldn’t. 

I also wasn’t home when my best friend in the real world, the one I’ve been neglecting- I mean friend, came over.  We had a plan.  I have no memory of this plan whatsoever.  None.  And I need to see her.  And she needs to see me.  It frightens me that I don’t remember and that I’m not caring for her.

Thoughtless words can never be undone either.

I said something to someone very special.  I didn’t think before I said it.  I didn’t mean it in the way I said it.  I didn’t mean to say it all.

So.  I’m being heard all right.  I’m being heard loud and clear.  Just not the things I purposefully say.

I’m going out into the real world today.  I’m going to sing with the choir I blew off.  I’m going to visit the friend I forgot.  I’m going to bond with my loud family and do the things they want to do.  I’m even going to do laundry. 

I think I’ll be quiet, but present. (except for choir)

It’s time for me to listen.

I got quite a pick-me-up in my in-box this morning.  It’s linked to that other social networking site.  A pretty cool place.  A very cool story.

Back when my obsession was Facebook, I found a friend from college, or she found me, I don’t remember.  Anyhow, we picked up where we left off.  She and I had a lot of fun.  We lived in the same dorm the first couple years.  We spent at least one summer at school and did the things that 21 year old girls do.  (We went out to bars and danced our pants off.)  This girl was fun, fun, fun.  We’ve both grown up some in these 20some years.  In different ways.  So I enjoy hearing about her work and her volunteer efforts and she enjoys hearing about my kids and the silly things I do.  She got engaged two springs ago and I cheered.  And craziness of all craziness, she wondered if I wanted to go to the wedding.  Keep in mind I hadn’t seen her in those 20some years and hadn’t kept in contact with her at all up until Facebook invaded my life.  So this is a ridiculous idea.  Which I fully supported.  I agreed that we’d love to come see her marry the man of her dreams- her first wedding!  And waited on the invitation.  In the meantime, I posted some photos from my daughter’s 7th grade art class and she raved about this truly awesome collage spawn had created. 

Fast forward to November. Not last month, but last year.  Anyhow.  We went to the wedding, which was a lovely time.  Stayed in a fabulous hotel, where the bride and groom also stayed.  King size bed.  Oh, I digress.  Anyhow.  Had no clue on a gift.  This couple really has everything they need.  They’d both operated single households for a lot of years.  The only thing I could think of was the collage.  So we took it.  And they were thrilled.  Not just pretending thrilled either.

Anyhow, a few minutes ago, I got a link and a note on Facebook with this picture.

It is gorgeous, isn’t it?  I’m proud of spawn.  And just so tickled that my friend from long ago appreciated our gesture (I did ask the spawn, by the way), displayed it so well, and sent me the evidence on this day.

It’s a small world.  Filled with beauty.  Love is all around.

I sparkle

 

Attend to the needs of others

Make time for the important things

 

Applaud your efforts

Notice your success

 

Operate on the half full not half empty

Perpetuate laughter

Endure sadness to see you

Never run out of hugs

 

Bake cookies to share sweetness

Opine that you are fabulous

Offer love freely because I am

Kind, careful, thoughtful, considerate

. 

 

Beware what you see

Unless you want to be

Tricked

 

Rarely open my heart full throttle

Even when I think I have

Already told you everything you need to know

Lies.  Everything is lies

Live without thinking

Yearn for what is not

 

I’m alone in a crowded room because I want to be

My heart is closed

 

Never to see the light of day or the beauty of night

Over the darkness that I see inside

There’s no reason for it

.

Rond and rond we geau

 

The carousel spins slowly round and round

Maneuvers painted ponies gaily gowned

Children giggle and sing at movement slow

The organ tinkles perky tunes we know

Simple joys and happy times always found

 

 The infernal motion to which we’re bound

Constant repetition makes spirit downed

Hope and possibility do not show

The carousel spins

 

The ride can be bliss when the key is wound

Peace, looking through different eyes, be found

Through circular motion we choose to go

When a mind opens, heart expands, thoughts grow

In priceless moments ponies come unbound

The carousel spins