May 11, 2012
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completely serious
Epic fail day. I like to think that I don’t suck at this motherhood thing, but I get the rose-colored glasses ripped off my face occasionally. Like today. When the school counselor came in to class to talk to me. LLO said something on the playground (I think) that completely freaked out some of the girls in her class who she claims are not her friends. I have trouble even saying the word. I want it not to be said. Ever. I want to have her not to have said it today. I want it not to be something she’s said before at home. I want this word banished from the language, the concept obliterated. I might type for another five minutes before I can even type this word. Maybe if I make it small, I can do it. suicide. Geez. My beautiful, hilarious, bright LLO mentioned that to the other kids on the playground. The girls who then went en masse to the school counselor, who immediately pulled my baby into her office and listened to her cry her eyes out about all the things that are bothering her. She has no friends. She’s not smart. She’s not responsible. Everybody dies around her. Her sister bullies her and hits her. She’s a terrible person.
And I’ve heard all of this before. And I say the same things over and over again. She does have friends. Those girls wouldn’t have gone to the counselor if they didn’t care about her. She may not have many playdates but that’s more because I’m so done arranging those things. She is smart as can be. Aside from getting good grades (when she turns stuff in), she’s really good with science and math- definitely has an aptitude in that direction. She’s a creative writer. And, unlike the rest of her family, once she gets her mind around the idea that she can do it, she can totally focus on getting something done well and efficiently. She can be responsible, she just saves that for special occasions. I know she’s nervous about middle school. As for death, our cat died two years ago. Turns out that she kicked the cat early in the week poor kitty got put to sleep and she wanted a kitten. She has been carrying this guilt for two years. Golly. Yes, I suppose her sister does hit her sometimes and certainly tries to tell her what to do (because spawn is mini mom), but LLO pokes the hornet’s nest and the hornet has no ability to fly away. That’s another issue in paradise which plucks my last nerve. Obviously, LLO is not a terrible person. She’s my kid.
I don’t know where this is coming from. I also don’t know what to do about it. The first time she ever said it I completely freaked on her. I assumed she didn’t know what it meant. She does now. And she knows how I feel about it. Because I don’t think I could be on an earth that doesn’t have my LLO on it. I don’t.
A good friend of mine said I can’t just ignore it. I know he’s right. The stakes are too high. But I missed the lesson in mother school that told me the magic words to fix it.
Earlier this week I thought I was a rock star because I convinced her to take a bath and brush her hair. I’d let her keep the dreads, if she’d never feel this way again.
Comments (49)
It’s things like this that make being a parent absolutely terrifying. *hugs* I’m so sorry she’s having a hard time. And I hope that you are able to find the right words to say.
I wish I had magic words that could take this hurt from you and from your little girl. The truth is nothing hurts as much as watching your child hurt and not knowing how to help. I watched my older daughters go through very much the same types of things as they struggled to come into their own. They struggle today, but they have a better set of tools to assist them. Please go buy and read “Queen Bees and Wannabees”. There isn’t a book that helped as much with what you are going through as that did for me. Know this doesn’t reflect on you or your parenting, and that kids suffer. They suffer to learn, and break our hearts in the process.
I don’t really know what to say about this…I’m sorry she’s having such a hard time though
Geez. I don’t know the magic words to fix it either. I think I’ve been in situations quite similar to your daughter’s – there’s a lot in your stories that I think reminds me of myself at that age – but I don’t know how to fix it. I have a younger cousin who was terribly depressed in high school and was writing suicide things and all that and my aunt knew that my mother had gone through that with me (though I was never so open about it as to discuss it in school) and so she asked my mom and my mom asked me, but really, even as one who’s been there, I have nothing to offer.
Don’t blame yourself. From what I see, you’re a damn good mom, and sometimes your kids have issues that have diddly squat to do with their parents. Or they do have to do with the parents, but it’s more of an innate thing. If that makes sense. Anyway, girls that age (and older) have a hard time believing anything good about themselves, even if they are “normal.” There’s incredible peer pressure to be perfect, which no one is, so of course they feel horrid about themselves. Consider counseling, because seriously good therapists can work with that, even without the drug thing. Even just talking helps sometimes.
Anyway. You get major mom points for caring so much and being so understanding.
I wish I knew what to say. Two older children, and I never learned the magic words. I still feel like a failure at times. Does she need to see a counselor more often? ((((hugs)))) Not that they’ll help, but it’s all I can offer.
I don’t know you well since I’m a new sub, but I feel like I need to comment. Many young girls stuggle with esteem issues, but mentioning suicide, to me, seems like a cry for help. As much as we parents want to have the magic words to make things better for our children, sometimes we’re simply not equipped to handle a situation, and we need help. I suggest counseling for her to help her sort out what she’s going through, and for you to learn how to help her. I’m so sorry you’re both hurting. : ( Hugs to both of you.
@WakeUpLaughing has just taken the words from my fingers! If your daughter is struggling so badly, counseling can give her an outlet at the very least, and suggestions for dealing with life at best. And counseling can also help you with tools to help her. Many insurances pay for counseling — if yours doesn’t, regular contact with school counselors might also help both of you. NOW is the time to look for that help, before she gets too far into the issues of junior and senior high schools. Best wishes to you as you navigate this minefield!
I’m so sorry to hear this! I remember thinking I had no friends in 5th grade. I was wrong but it still was a dark time. My #2son went through it in 3rd grade. Counselling helps as does a mother that understands and is supportive. LLO is lucky you are there and you care. *hugs to you both*
@wretched_epiphany - @BoulderChristina - @xdeelynnx -
@leaflesstree - @songoftheheart -
@WakeUpLaughing - @slmret - @murisopsis - thank you all. i have access to a counselor who i know will take good care of her. appointment in the works. i have more than a month before i go back to classes, thank goodness, so she’s my top priority. she’s such a great kid.
I’m on my phone (slow, limited typing) but I didn’t want to wait to tell you how sorry I am and that you’re doing all the right things and no one knows what to do about this stuff. And also to mention that LLO knows what it means now, but also the power it holds because she freaked you out with it in the past. Sometimes it’s not the meaning of a word that matters to a kid, as much as its power.
@ordinarybutloud - yes. i do think it is a powerful thing for her. and she is a drama queen. but i can’t discount that she appears to be freaking unhappy for an 11 year old. and that makes me cry something fierce. wowza. i’m some kind of incapacitated boys and girls.
i should step away from the computer before i say/do something colossally stupid. 
{{{hugs}}}
I remember struggling with those thoughts when I was your daughter’s age even before I had a reason to feel that way. It was the words of my mother that gave me the strength and helped me combat the thoughts in my head. The fact that my mom assured me that I was beautiful, no one was perfect, and that I was more than just good enough helped me tremendously. BoulderChristina is right, she does have to find her own way, but having an awesome mom as a guide makes the struggle a little bit easier.
@Erika_Steele - she really does think everyone else is perfect. thank you so much for your words. i know she’ll be fine. in my heart, i do. but it hurts so much that she is hurting.
I am so sorry to hear about this. I just hope that she does not truly mean to imply what the word means. I am sorry that she must have been sad enough to say the word. Talking to a counselor or a child psychologist is a good idea. Good luck to both of you.
@awoolham - thanks. i just got an appointment for monday. i know it’s going to be ok. but it hurts so much.
Try not beat yourself up. At least you care. Not too many of your kind out there.
**hugs**
i commend the school for the positive action as they just could have blown it off. i think we all have periods like this in our lives. but most of us do not let it consume us and i am not sure why it happens that others do. from what you write here, i think you have a great connection with your children. keep at it.
@buddy71 - hugs and a ‘stache. life is good. night, man from california.
You are a very good mum.
@Bricker59 - thank you. that means a lot coming from such a good dad.
Oh my, parenting is such a struggle so much of the time. Hug. Can’t hang but you are on my mind.
” Because I don’t think I could be on an earth that doesn’t have my LLO on it. I don’t.”
Those words speak volumes of your love and fear for your daughter. I’m glad you’re taking this issue seriously. I truly wish the best for you and your family.
I remember feeling different in my new school, when we moved from the north to the south. Any skin color, at the time, that wasn’t “white”, was unheard of. Which made life somewhat difficult at the tween age I was back then. I had a boyfriend, but he broke up with me when his parents found out I didn’t have their skin color.
I’m sure you’re a wonderful mother, with wonderful children. I hope this life lesson they’re going through, passes for all concerned.
You’re right about not ignoring it, and everything you’ve said here shows you to be a very good mother. The surprise you feel may just be one of the realizations of how very much an individual our child is. Think of the things we all carry around mostly in silence that would surprise those around us. It may not be the most cheerful thought, but all indication are that the situation, and your daughter, are both very “normal” and human.
I hope you’re feeling a little better this morning. I am so glad you’re taking her seriously and getting her some help. And again I want to say, little girl drama queens say the most powerful, hurtful things they can imagine when they are hurting. I know what you mean about 11 year-old unhappiness. I’m so grateful my mother was distracted by her own divorce, dating and remarriage while I was 11 and unhappy, because it was ugly and fierce and would have scared her to death. But I am fine today, and LLO will be too. Counseling is a great idea. I hope it makes her feel like someone really hears her. I hope it helps her realize you are on her side. ((hugs))
Glad that you are willing to go with your daughter to find out how to work with her since you have no clue. The school counselor will have suggestions on whom you BOTH can talk to . They will help you with the skills needed to address her concerns. Denying her concerns (even though she certainly may have friends) may make things much, much worse..She may want to prove to you how badly she feels about something you have dismissed as a non-truth.
Thanks for loving your daughter enough to go with her to talk with someone. You won’t regret this..
(From personal experience) Good luck for a bright future for you both.
Christy
PS You are being very hard on yourself. Don’t be. All of us miss things every day and that is not unusual….me, too! You are doing the best you can. Thank goodness that you now know how your daughter feels and can do something about it. You have a lot of loving left for your daughter and for yourself. Exercise that “I love and care about myself” feeling as you continue to love your daughter and try to help her. It is not too late.
I have confidence in your ability to step up to this plate and hit a home run!!!!
Blessings to you and you are not alone!
Christy
. Raising kids is tough stuff for sure! My youngest girl who’s now 18 went through these kind of struggles around the time she was going through puberty. I’m sure I felt the same way you are feeling. It took alot of reassuring and listening to her, just letting her express her feelings over and over to get her through it. Plus many prayers. I also would focus on her good qualites alot, and made a game where we would have to list 3 things that we liked about ourselves. – Because I think sometimes we all just need to realize how great we are! – My prayers are with you & your precious daughter!
I’m not a parent, but I do remember being a very depressed child/teenager, and making half-assed attempts to kill myself.
From my own experience, I wouldn’t FORCE her to see a counselor, as that just made things worse for me. If she is willing to go, that’s great.
Freaking out also makes things worse, by a lot. It can easily close off communication and that is something you absolutely do not want. You want to keep an open and honest relationship. She should be, and feel like she is able to discuss her feelings and insecurities with you.
Please don’t dismiss her feelings about not having friends – other girls running to the counselor doesn’t mean they necessarily care (Speaking from experience with children and adults). You may want to talk with her teachers to find out if she’s being bullied at all. (I would suggest an after school meeting so that the other kids don’t know you’re meeting with them. Parents talking with teachers is often a cause for gossip and looks.)
Ask her if she’d like to have any of the other girls (or boys) over, and let her. Arrange play dates again, maybe with heavier supervision/monitoring.
If she doesn’t feel she is smart, you could try helping her with her homework, and maybe set up educational outings, or even go to the library (or internet) and research something she would be interested in.
You two could make baking soda volcanoes while learning about real ones. You could help her make up a fun and educational poster about dolphins that she could show to the rest of the family (the poster, not the dolphins) and teach her sister something even. Or some other project, but you get where I’m going with this.
Heck, you could even ask if she’d like to include any classmates in doing this.
For her “lack of responsibility”, you can set up a chore chart (include turning in homework since that seems to be a weakness for her) to both encourage responsibility, and show her that she can be responsible. Maybe offer a reward for a full week or month of doing all of her chores. You could put her in charge of a small garden (flowers or food), and even turn that into a learning experience!
Arrange non-competative things that she and her sister can do together (some of the aforementioned ideas would work). Also, while there’s nothing wrong with being motherly towards a sister, you may want to work on encourage a nurturing side of it, rather than any belittling or bullying.
Having her see how much she is capable of, rather than you telling her, will go a lot further both for her self-esteem and for her future.
I don’t know what I can say about this since I’m not a mother myself yet, hopefully everything works out
You are 100% right for not ignoring this, and it’s got to be overwhelming. YOU ARE NOT A BAD MOM. Your daughter is 11 years old and growing up in a world that is much different from the one we grew up in. The “drama” in elementary and middle school is incredible and our children suffer from it because of society’s push for kids to grow up fast and grow away from family. The fact that you are present and involved in her life will make all the difference in the world. Believe me on this one. I have a child who suffered from depression from bullying (to the point that I had to pull him out of one school and put him in another). It was hell, and I got no where with the administrators. Now he’s in high school, and bullying is (thankfully) not such an issue (even though he currently attends a school that has a bad reputation).
Part of the reason why kids get depressed is because they’re too young to deal with the whole business of growing up. The peer pressure is terrible – especially among the girls. If your daughter doesn’t feel like she’s “good at something” (and how proficient at ANYTHING is anyone going to be at 11?) then it becomes very easy for her to find fault in herself (even if those faults don’t exist). You can compliment her on her creative writing, her good grades, her cute little button nose, and she might not take you seriously because you are her mom (you’re SUPPOSED to think that she’s wonderful, right?). She needs to find her confidence, because with a strong self esteem she won’t be susceptible to bullies (real or imagined). An easy way for her to find her confidence is to create change.
Creating change is as easy as volunteering. School will let out soon. Look into volunteering together. She picks the recipient. If she can rally some of her friends to join in then that’s even better. Maybe the local animal shelter needs old blankets for bedding in the cages. Maybe there’s a school in a less fortunate part of town that is in need of books for their library and your daughter can help by talking the local public library into hosting a book drive. Maybe the children’s ward at a local hospital needs some new toys for a play room and she can rally her friends to collect up gently used toys that they no longer play with so they can clean them up and donate them. Brainstorm with her, and let her know that she’s in charge and you will help. I believe that you’ll see that she’ll blossom into a confident girl…and she’ll develop a habit of helping others that will serve her well for a lifetime.
You go, Mom!
My sister put off counseling and my niece wound up in a psyche ward for a week after years of secret cutting. Start the counseling before self harm issues pop up as a solution to inner pain. Stuff doesn’t just go away. Also, some girls have a very hard time with hormones, which definitely affect moods. There are mental conditions and chemical imbalances that are affected by hormone fluctuations, so it never hurts to get a good checkup with a doctor while you’re at it. Never hurts to consult with a gynocologist and make sure there isn’t underlying stuff that usually doesn’t get discovered until much later, like polycystic ovary syndrome and stuff, which also can affect moods since it throws hormone fluctuations way off. I know this sounds way out there, but I come from a family of girls, we all have these problems, and so do our girls, and my mom had them, too. Always feels better to know for sure that nothing is wrong than to wonder. My oldest also had a thyroid crash in middle school, and we were very lucky that a doctor caught it, plus it’s another hormone that affects mood and depression. Never hurts to check. I hope everything is ok, and try not to fret, just keep helping her through stuff. Too many parents don’t remember how ‘real’ everything is to kids, you sound like a good mom. Hugs to you!
@bluejacky - oh geez. i have a history of thyroid problems and depression. now i’m even more terrified.
@beesuze - that is a great suggestion. she definitely needs her own thing.
@VampireOfSeduction - the girls have a good relationship, really. big sister is just bossy as anything. thanks for your insight. i’m glad you’re here.
@CuddlyKat - thank you so much
@greatredwoman - thank you christy. i appreciate it.
@ordinarybutloud - i’m a little more hopeful today. but i’m still doing the thing i’m best at. (crying) i know she’s going to be ok. did i tell you i got an appointment for monday? so we’re on the right track.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I think everyone has said it already and I agree that a therapist may be the key.
I am wondering if she is getting bullied and not saying anything.
@Grannys_Place - thank you. her teacher and i have talked all year about the social aspect. my girl isn’t a girlie girl and doesn’t usually give a crap what other people think, so she has trouble fitting in with the girls at school. however, the teacher is working with everyone to help everyone get along and the teacher really likes her. (teacher was out thurs and fri- probably part of the problem). my girl marches to the beat of the drum of a different band. she’s going to grow into someone pretty earth-shatteringly amazing. (she’s already awesome). sorry to yak so much.
There are no magic words. None. Wanting to kills yourself is an intensely personal thing, nothing but time and healing will get her to realize what her life is worth.
It doesn’t matter how many times you tell her what a wonderful person she is and how awesome she is, her thought process will be something along the lines of “you’re my mom, you have to say that.” Remind her of all the not so important people that would miss her if she wasn’t around anymore, people like the bus driver, her doctors, pets, anyone she sees and smiles at on occassion. Saying “your friends and family love you” is one thing, but pointing out ALL of the people that her life has touched puts a bit of a new perspective on things.
Getting her in to see a councelor is super important. I also suggest trying to find a place for her to attend group therapy. Group therapy will do a couple of things 1. let her know that she is NOT ALONE 2. she will make friends 3. she will be able to help others thus boosting self esteem.
Also, it is super important to NOT BLAME YOURSELF! This is NOT your fault and you are not a “bad” mother because your daughter is feeling like this. You feeling guilty will only make her feel guilty, thus validating her beliefs that she is a “terrible person.”
I have been where your daughter is. I suffered through depression and was even hospitalized for trying to kill myself when I was a kid. But I made it through. I’ll be graduating from college next week with a BA in psych. I will be attending NYU in the fall to get an Masters in Social Work. I am a successful person despite having a mental illness. Part of the reason I am doing so well is because of my parents, particularly my mom. Because she advocated and FOUGHT for me to get better. YOU are your daughter’s MOST important tool in getting better. Professionals will give you advice on how to help your daughter, but you are her MOM. It is your job to make them understand what she is going through, it is your job to decide what is best for her, it is your job to make sure she gets what she needs. And you can do that, and you will do that because you love your daughter.
I’m currently working as a peer partner and youth advocate helping kids (mostly middle school and high school) with mental health challenges in my area. If you want you (or your daughter) can contact me at chess39121@gmail.com. Hope and knowing you’re not alone are very important. Best of luck! I will be praying for you and your family.
OMG, You must feel terrified. You must feel that there is so much you want to do to help, but frustrated because you are so helpless to help. Perhaps you can do the following (maybe you already do): Each night, give her a hug and assure her how much she is loved. Then ask her what she hoping for in the future – what she is looking forward to. She should always be able to have something to look forward to. There is a quote, “For where there is no hope, the people perish”. She should always be looking forward to the weekend, or playing with a friend, or a special event, or going to see a movie. As long as she has hope and can look forward to the future, I don’t think she will consider this.
@curiousdwk - i’m hopeful and terrified. she knows i love her. no doubt about that.
@davesprettylady - thank you. congratulations. thank goodness that you are around and that you’ve turned adversity into a calling to help other people. you rock the world.
happy mother’s day, sunshine-shoes
well-done, on posting this, and on all our lovely xangans responses. it looks like you are getting the help & support you need, both here and elsewhere, and i am very glad for it. blessings…
@Bels_Kaylar - thank you. we’re going to be ok. certainly did get a lot of xanga love on this one.
oh my. geez.
(hugs)
oh. wow.
you’re paying attention and you’re going to continue to pay attention. I think that’s what’s important. counseling, talking, keep her talking. I am totally clueless about this, but that sounds like a good plan. *hugs*
@plantinthewindow - yea. we’re going to be ok.
@distractedbyzombies - lots of talking. thanks.
I agree with what someone else said. This has, unfortunately, become a fairly normal feeling, even at her age. And yes, the fact that you have a tendency to depression is a factor, but that doesn’t make it your fault either. I think the best thing is to spend more time with her both one-on-one and in family things. If she’s anything like me, encouragement is important, but over-praising or constantly being anxious about how she’s doing will just shut down communication. Try not to cry. We all have rough patches, and the sooner this is accepted and she can gradually be shown that life has too much potential to quit on, the rarer those patches will be.
Love you, Lady, be strong.
@promisesunshine - I don’t want to choke your system with anymore feedback. But I’m here and listening, if you need.
hugs. i give you props for not ignoring this. it is important, and while we may not be able to stop our childrens actions, thoughts, fears, or pains, sometimes just validating what they feel, and being there for them makes the difference. you are a good mother, demonstrated in the fact that you care enough for this to worry you, for you to ponder, wonder and take action. it isnt fun, for sure. i understand your pain and fear. My son, as young as he is, is having a hard time understanding things like this, but there was a 7 year old, and forgive me if this is aweful, but a 7 year old that made that decision that all of us fear as parents. My son came home, and has every day for a week, upset that he has bullies, and cries that nobody likes him, and feels that life would be better without him. I watch him get on the bus every day, meandering alone, with bullies, and i see the sadness that i cant stop. i hope this is not making any sadness worse, i am sharing in hope that you will know that you are not alone and you have support. In my experience, sometimes, just those moments of holding him, or laughing with him over a good movie, or taking him for a walk, or the things he likes to do, and just letting him be him and be appreciated for just that, has made enough difference to keep him grounded. I hope that you both find peace through this, and know that over here in idaho, i feel for you, and am sending you healing thoughts and energies for you and yours.
@shalrei25 - thank you. i don’t understand when childhood got so hard. it is though. there was a boy in my class who talked about it earlier this year. he’s happier now thank goodness. happier living with his grandfather and girlfriend than he was living with his mother. sad situation. i worry for him too and your boy. nice to see you!
@lanney - i need that invisible airplane more than ever.