I have a sign somewhere- I don’t know if it’s in the front yard or on my forehead or maybe it’s a bumper sticker, I really don’t know- and it says “send your kids to my house and I will feed them lunch.” Now, I have no inclination whatsoever to feed my own kids lunch. Just ask them. They will tell you. And this is perfectly fine, because there is no way on earth a 15 and 11 year old cannot acquire lunch. They have no problem making sticky smoothy snacks and raiding the refrigerator leaving a trail of dirty dishes and spills. Oh. That was a rant. You see my point though (beyond the ranting about the piggyness of my progeny). They can get food. They don’t need their mother to don an apron and garnish a plate for them.
Where was I going with this? Honestly, I can’t remember. Oh, yes. My sign.
Yesterday, we had PLANS. We were leaving the house and spending the afternoon at the pool and that was that. Spawn was going to forage at the grocery store after marching band and meet us at the pool. LLO and I were going to join her at just the right time. It was going to be PERFECT. And it would be all the more perfect, if LLO had a friend along. So she called the friend and yes she could come along to swim and sure how about if she came over right away. Oh, ok. Everything was groovy-ish. Until Spawn called at noon to say she’d forgotten to turn something in that was due and could I bring it right over and of course since I’m there I might as well bring her home so she can have lunch at home and we can turn around 30 minutes later and go back to the same place. What the heck. No big deal. Except that nobody wanted to eat the same thing for lunch and my sweet angels start slinging insults at each other like they’re sisters or something. Then there’s crying and yelling and just all kinds of pretty stuff. And Spawn runs away to her room. And I made freaking lunch which is so not in my job description. Perhaps you’ve heard. And I BEGGED Spawn to come along anyhow, because we had PLANS. And she said ok but she wasn’t going to talk to her sister which I assumed (and you know what that means, boys and girls) would be no problem because LLO had the friend along and why would you play with a sister at the pool when you can play with a friend. Silly me. Everything was groovy until I got hot and went in the pool. Well, perhaps the youknowwhat had already hit the fan, I just hadn’t noticed because I was plugged into Pandora and a book. Anyhow, LLO was drowning Spawn and Spawn scratched the everloving tarnation out of LLO with those claws of death. Blood in the pool- not making this up. And, yes of course, we left. All three of us apologized to the poor friend as we dropped her off at her house. That girl was grace under pressure, I can assure you. (But it’s not like her family doesn’t have their issues too. Since she says her big sister never speaks to her at all and I know all kinds of stuff thank you very much.)
And today is another day, so I decided to make more PLANS. Spawn was at marching band, but definitely not part of the plans. Then LLO wanted to call the friend from yesterday. Surprisingly enough her father said “NO. CONSIDERING THE EVENTS OF YESTERDAY”. Now, maybe he didn’t say it that way, I didn’t speak to him, because I’m also not in charge of playdates anymore. But LLO had something to say (to me only, thank goodness) about that answer. I wisely kept my own counsel, because I’m still delusional that I can keep my happy place for a couple hours. Then we went back to our morning of peace and harmony and the kid doing things I suggested she do as if I had the right as her mother to make such suggestions and expect compliance. It was nice. It happened yesterday once too. I could get used to this. We decided to go to the pool again. I stopped at the grocery store to buy equipment for lunch and finished just in time to pick up Spawn from band- like I planned that or something. And I was feeling good about that Wonder Woman cape. Was thinking about pulling the invisible airplane out again, just for a test drive. And then there’s a girl waiting with Spawn looking all dejected and we know her, of course, because it’s a small town. So I said the words (somebody please cut out my tongue) “does ___ need a ride home?”
How much harm could befall us giving kid a ride home? Really. Well, like I said, we know her. She’s the older sister of a kid LLO went to kindergarten with and her grandparents live a street over from us and there was a time when we would run into them (not over them) all over the place. Well, the kid says on the way home “Should I ask my grandma if I can come over to your house to play?” And sure whatever, Spawn has been completely antisocial for two months. By all means, have interaction with somebody. Well, after much waiting at the house, the answer was sure she can come over to our house and how about the little sister can she come over too and by the way we need to go somewhere at 4pm so bring them home by then. And I’m wearing my shades so surely this woman cannot see the deer in the headlights look in my face as I’m completely sideswiped by the pick up truck of holy heck you people have a lot of nerve.
I’m still in my happy place though. Little sister didn’t want to go to the pool. Grandma was ok with the kids being alone in my house because they are old enough after all. And the negotiations were complete. So onward to my house, where I set up what I thought we’d have for lunch. Being just that awesome today. And the little sister had eaten thank goodness, but the band girl had not and she wanted a peanut butter and pickle sandwich. Pickles are not a problem of course since I made a lifetime supply of pickles just last weekend. And everybody did the lunch thing except that I had to clean up the mess.
And the four of them decide to play a game. Groovy. And the older sister is also surfing Facebook on our computer while playing the game and the younger sister is saying she’s bored. And they want to play Wii. Which would be fine except that our Wii is currently defunct. LLO and I decided to make our exit since it is also not my job to entertain children who have invited themselves over to my house. I left Spawn with the instructions to walk them home at 4 to which noise was made about leaving right away to play the 18 games they have for their Wii. I’m all totally knock yourself out folks.
The pool was great. No wounds. No yelling that I heard (as again I was reading a book and plugged into Pandora.) I did hear the thunder which was fine too- I knew it was coming and I was kinda hoping for a whizbang thunderstorm. LLO held my hand once and spoke to me in a pleasant tone of voice. And we got mini Rita therapy. Life was good.
Unfortunately, Spawn came home and is now screaming at LLO again. But I had a good two hours of pleasant parenting. And I’m going to try really hard to avoid feeding random stray children tomorrow.
both Spawn and Spouseman said I captured my new librarian glasses just fine. I think I’m done pretending portraiture is a possibility.
And now I’m going to hit “save changes” and get over it.
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