February 28, 2012
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who’s important
This week two of my subscriptions have mentioned kids shooting other kids. There’s history too. Virginia Tech. Oklahoma. Kent State (before yesterday). I read a powerful and terrifying book, Nineteen Minutes by Jodi Picoult, that knocked me on my heiney a couple years ago (before my daughter was roaming the halls of high school, thank goodness, not sure I could read it now.) If they are not killing each other, sometimes they kill themselves. Last year a brilliant boy committed suicide on the last day of his high school career. Of course I’ve read a book about that too- Envy, Gregg Olsen.
Last night I was reading an article that I have to give a presentation on tomorrow (gag) and discovered that I chose this article really well weeks ago practically randomly. Inside this gem were some words that I desperately needed yesterday. For one thing, the article summed up self-efficacy in a way I’d never thought of. (Ok. I will admit it. I’ve never thought of self-efficacy using that term at all. And for those of you who have never thought of self-efficacy either, it means how you judge yourself capable of planning and executing an action to reach a goal.) This article pretty much said if you think you can’t, you can’t because your head becomes clogged with all the gibberish that keeps you from using all your brain power to do the thing.
This is relevant to me because grad school this semester is kicking my sorry butt because I believe it is. I started the weekend all crankypants because I had so much reading to do this weekend: 2 classes, 8 articles (plus the one for the presentation). I was disgusted with myself because I actually read a book for fun on Wednesday and actually went out for fun on Thursday and I actually had no idea how I was going to finish. And here I was demonstrating my self-efficacy on the negative side. And then I popped in Beethoven’s 9th and took on the world. Yay, me. But the point was that my head spun in the other direction and then suddenly I could do what I needed to do. Proving that old “Little Engine That Could” story.
However, this is not really what I wanted to talk about. Because yesterday I was called down to the principal’s office- and it had nothing to do with my little reprobate, LLO. I do have a temper. It’s slow cranking and the people I don’t live with usually don’t see it. I hate to be made superfluous and I hate to have it implied that I’m not doing something right. I’m sensitive and paranoid, it’s true, but my intentions are good and I work hard. Could I be any more defensive about this? Anyhow, there’s this woman who is making 30 minutes of my day as annoying as all get out because she is making me superfluous and implying that I suck at the thing we are doing together. Friday I let it rip. It was a little rip but it was in front of kids. (It was just a question, but I think it was clear by the fire that I was pissed.) This woman is a fake bitch. Let’s make that clear.
So I made my complaint to the person who has my back. I was pulled from doing this intervention with the kids and somehow I thought the situation was done. I hadn’t had time to process what I thought of being removed from an opportunity to do what I want to do because of a personal issue. I think I was disappointed. I know for sure that one of the kids I work with was disappointed. Big time. She wouldn’t look at me at lunch. We didn’t have our usual chitchat. I missed it and felt like I’d let her down.
Well, lucky for me, that – sorry, I’m just going to go with it- fake bitch has a person who has her back also, and she wasn’t afraid to go right there. Yup. The principal. Our new principal. At the end of a long day, I’m sitting in a conference with the principal and that woman, in which I got to sound like a defensive, unprofessional moron and say things like “I must have misread your tone.” I got to listen to that same tone as she (lying through her teeth) said, “It wasn’t my intention to make you feel that way.” And we all hugged and left as one big happy family. You are absolutely right, the situation is not resolved, really. At least not from that conversation. It will be resolved because I am going to get over it, because that woman is not important to me.
Those kids are important to me. Those kids who I’m spending time with because they don’t have the reading fluency they need to have to do well in 3rd grade next year. Those kids who are learning strategies to read to get information. Those kids who are learning that they can do it. THEY are important to me. Because that sweet little bundle of fire girl needs to know that I’m proud of what she has done this year.
I’m implying that I think there’s a link between how kids feel about themselves and the terrifying stuff that happens when they feel powerless and unimportant. See, it all makes sense. in my head.
Comments (52)
I think you’re right. Sorry about all that other stuff with the fake bitch. I’m going to have to remember Beethoven when I need to put on my superwoman cape and get through life. And I ache every time we lose a child, not only the one who dies, but the one who pulls the trigger. Why didn’t we know, why didn’t we see the signs, why didn’t we love enough to stop it?
I’m only on your second paragraph but I must comment on this sentence. “This article pretty much said if you think you can’t, you can’t because your head becomes clogged with all the gibberish that keeps you from using all your brain power to do the thing.” I am in a group where we practice catching ourselves saying I can’t and changing the statement to I won’t. When you are not so busy please send me a reference to what you were reading.
@songoftheheart - makes me cry, Jo. there are far-reaching ripples outside the victims- i include the trigger in that. we just have to keep our eyes open as best we can. unfortunately we don’t have x-ray vision.
beethoven was brilliant. i noodled on the piano too, which a good outlet. seems like piano noodling is the first thing to go when i get busy, and i need to fix that.
It’s early and I first read that as you doing something unspeakable to Beethoven’s 9th.
I haven’t listened to this news story yet, but I know how it goes. I also remember how much rage I felt in school before my parents took me out. BIG rage. Thanks for being there for those kids.
Another sentence jumped out at me. “It will be resolved because I am going to get over it, because that woman is not important to me.” We, our group from the previous comment will also focus on what we call “No Big Deal” thinking. In other words, we try to not engage in big deal thinking. Big deals are restricted to only those things of IMPORTANCE. I like how you decided that this and in particular the lady are not significant to you and what you are trying to do. Excellent example of no big deal thinking.
Oh and good luck with the presentation. I’m pretty sure it will go well.
@distractedbyzombies - i would NEVER do something unspeakable to Beethoven’s 9th. LOVE IT!!
I’m there for the little ones, before they get all the rage. It’s easy to be there for them. (My little suicidal hippie is smiling at school, only told me once last week that he hates me, came to school on time on a monday, and was enormously pleased about something we did in class week. I believe we are making progress.)
@vexations - i have to work at it. a lot. often. but i’m just stubborn enough that when i decide it is no big deal, it will be. eventually.
presentation: no big deal.
Lots of smart stuff in here. And sad stuff. You are right in your last bit, about kids, I think. Ugh, and people. I was really lucky for a few years, our company was so small I forgot what it is like to work with people… now we are getting bigger, I suddenly remember, lol. Beethoven is magic. For me it is Sonata No. 14. I can’t write fiction with out it. <—- not a fallacy in my self-efficacy. Ha.
As teachers I think we are able to perceive kids different, we can feel some of their interactions in a more impartial way and we should be able to help this kids to cope out with w/e is going on. You see, there have always been mean kids and victims, I truly think the bullying thing is not new at all but back in the days we had the tools to overcome this feelings, we had a family to go back and feel loved, we had cousins to play with if kids at school were cruel to us we had a life outside to balance things, now kids go back to empty homes, familiar bounds are lost in extense work shifts and distance, kids have not the tools to manage frustration the way we did because they’re not used to being frustrated so their World is limited to the school world and if they feel they’ve failed there they feel like the end of the World.
Such a tragedy indeed.
you have sufficiently made me cry. this was beautifully written, and i understand it even more now. what i mean is, i understand that the beautiful in this is you and your way of thinking.
now to listen to some of ludwig’s 9th. : )
For all the joking and wisecracking you do I see from this article that you are a bright and compassionate soul and still in school to boot. The most recent shooting, this week, occurred near here in Chardon. One of my old girlfriends went there. I spent time on my birthday watching the aftermath on TV. In case I haven’t mentioned it, I live across the street from Kent State.
It all makes sense after you get the whole thing out on “paper” too.
@runisom48 - yours was one of the shootings i was referring to. i’ll bet the old girlfriend is still shaking. scary. thank you.
@onestepcloserto_perfection - writing definitely helps me deal with stuff.
@be_the_rain - thanks for listening yesterday. <3
@xXxlovelylollipop - there’s another blog in there. or twenty.
@anvilsandedelweiss - oh. that one. i think i don’t like that one because i tried to play it and can’t. either that it’s too peaceful. it sounds nice now though. so maybe i’m wrong about it.
I’ll be honest. I’m too brain addled at the moment to read all this very thoroughly, but I wanted to pop in and say good luck and keep truckin’
Trying to make the rounds and at least say hi to folks in case I’m out again for a while.
Believe you can do it whether you think you’re lying to yourself or not. It always helps me lol…
@oceanstarr - i’ll take that keep truckin’. hope you’re doing well counting down the days. (i remember very well being brain addled. lasted me.. um…15 years so far.)
@promisesunshine - Trying to keep her in a little longer… grumble grumble
@oceanstarr - you want that baby fully baked. crossing fingers and toes for you.
@promisesunshine - I know and I’m trying to keep her in, but I’m getting really tired from weeks and weeks of this premature intensity. The pain is really starting to seriously wear me down.
@oceanstarr - Pain and worry will do that. I’m sorry you’re having a hard time. Rest, relax when you can.
ewwwww…fake bitches suck! I’m so sorry. Bummer.
Deep stuff here. You’re the second person I’ve seen mention 19 Minutes. I kind of want to read it and I kind of don’t.
I was in my last year of high school when Columbine happened, and there was a lot of talk about it. It was the end of the year, so they didn’t really make any policy changes at that point (though I know future classes felt the effect). I mainly remember that a kid in my grade got into a fight with administration because he was wearing a black trench coat to school. And had been every day before the incident, but now they saw it as a political statement.
It was awkward for me because, in a way, I think I can understand why someone would shoot up their high school. I don’t know the whole story behind the more recent shootings, but I know that in the case of Columbine, there was a lot of bullying, a lot of violence, a lot of ostracizing. I think a lot of us kids who were the outcasts sort of almost empathized with them. When your life is that miserable (and mine was, I thought, though it was high school and everyone is emo in high school) and you know WHO and what is causing it, the reaction is to try to destroy that. I find it hard to listen to people who were “popular” and well adjusted in high school talk about such things because I feel like they’re not getting the whole story. And I feel like there must be something seriously wrong with something that’s failing these people to the point they feel like they need to inflict violence on others. It’s the same thing for those workers who “go postal.” There’s something wrong there, and there’s some system that’s broken, and I don’t feel like we’ve worked at fixing that enough.
@leaflesstree - it was an excellent book. but i like jodi picoult.
i’m sorry that high school sucked for you. i know there is great potential for utter suckage. kids can be horribly cruel.
i was lucky, high school was ok for me. don’t even imagine that i was popular and well-adjusted. i was just ok. so far it seems to be ok for spawn too. knock on wood.
@ordinarybutloud - i can fake right back at her. and the cool thing is she will never know that i see right through her.
@promisesunshine - yeah, my fake is too overdone. I’m pretty sure people know it if I think I can see right through them.
@ordinarybutloud - hmm… perhaps i just think that because i’m still pissed. maybe when i’m not pissed anymore i won’t be thinking she thinks i’m stupid. oh who the hell knows or cares. it’s been a long day and i’m tired.
Yeah, I’m really just answering to keep up the conversation because it’s been a long day and I’m tired and lonely and kinda…blah.
But I’m sorry you’re still pissed.
@ordinarybutloud - well, let’s talk about something else. because it’s been a long day and i’m tired and maybe lonely and definitely blah. and we’re predicted to have… wait for it… more freezing rain. because golly what is better than freezing rain. wouldn’t want any dang snow or nothing because then i could get a snow day. nooooooo… can’t have a snow day in february. ha.
@promisesunshine - the weather. indeed. a good topic for people who are bored and lonely and blah. we don’t have freezing rain in my part of the country. If rain starts to freeze here I get out my Bible and turn to Revelations and reconsider my stance on prayer. And also on canned foods. Generally speaking I find canned vegetables disgusting…you? today my husband sent me a link for a NYT pulp fiction comment contest, 150 words, GO. I just couldn’t work up any enthusiasm. Now. That’s at least four topics to choose from.
@ordinarybutloud - hold on. i need a beverage that will make you blind. aha. a weather clue for where you live! canned veggies are deesgusting. especially green beans. i hate canned green beans. in fact i really don’t like green beans. and my mother makes them every time we visit because my brother likes them and she can’t be bothered to remember that i do not. spouse bought brown sugar poptarts (sorry that’s a bad word for the gluten-free world) without frosting. what is the point of that? NYT contest. kinda interesting. i’ve never watched pulp fiction. i have no idea what the term even means. oh. and both of my children are still up. one working on a project for school (actually now she is talking). it’s after 11pm where i am. i’ve been home from class for about a half hour (i think) because class went late dammit.
your turn.
@promisesunshine - I have wine, but it’s not making me blind, thank God for small favors. I was thinking of green beans EXACTLY when I said canned veggies are disgusting. The only canned veggie I like (besides corn, because really, corn is basically indestructible): beets. I forgot all about poptarts. Pulp Fiction the movie is a separate idea from pulp fiction the literary tradition, as I discovered today when I googled it while I was trying to work up enthusiasm for the contest. The problem is, you can see everyone else’s entry. It just saps the energy right out of me, to read fifty responses to a prompt before I have time to properly contemplate it. My kids are asleep. I can hear them breathing from downstairs. All 3. Plus dog. Hamster is awake.
@ordinarybutloud - i’m already blind. wait. i’m going to do math. i’ve been going for 17 hours now, i think. but i’m too keyed up to go to bed yet. creamed corn. that is the best canned vegetable. oh. yes. beets. i’d forgotten we have the beet thing in common. i also don’t like cherry and that’s the kind of mike’s hard lemonade the spouse purchased for me. what the heck. how come nobody knows what i like? i hate reading what other people wrote. sometimes it’s fun on a blog, but sometimes it just puts an end to whatever i might have thought.
i think the kids are bedward. thank goodness. going to have some cranky people tomorrow morning. joy.
17 hours is a lot of hours. Let me think…I’m at 16.25. so 3/4 of an hour behind you. See, technically, I don’t think corn is even a vegetable, that’s the thing. And when you add cream…or whatever makes it creamed…yeah, I don’t know. It’s like when they have “mac and cheese” as a vegetable at those Wagon Wheel buffet kinds of places (don’t ask how I know that). I can’t drink Mike’s Hard Lemonade either. Pretty sure that’s a malt beverage, therefore not GF. I like: tequila and wine. That’s really about it, although I’ll drink a lot of stuff in a pinch. But not with joy. I can’t drink other things with real joy.
@ordinarybutloud - isn’t pizza a vegetable? isn’t that what some government group decided this year? or something else? have i mentioned that i’m tired? (and whiny) i have no idea how creamed corn is made. i thought for a second that you were mixing tequila and wine. and that really sounded pretty foul, i must say. tequila mockingbird. (ohmygoodness) yup. malt beverage. it was a malt beverage kind of evening. i think we will have mac and cheese, creamed corn and beets for dinner tomorrow. do you know i cooked the other day and everyone was happy? it was like a freaking miracle.
@promisesunshine - why yes, I remember reading about your cooking success. I can’t think of a single food item that all 5 of us like. I’m thinking…thinking…nope, can’t think of one. Queso, maybe. Yes, chile con queso with tortilla chips. All 5 of us like that. Dinner tomorrow…solved!
@ordinarybutloud - it was definitely newsworthy. weird child told me the other day she liked this african thing i made 2 years ago that she complained about at the time. what the heck. my people are crazy. i swear they take a number on whose turn it is to be unreasonable.
@promisesunshine - African thing sounds cool. I once ate in an Ethiopian restaurant…no, twice. I ate in 2 different Ethiopian restaurants, both good, but that was before I went gluten free. And both served food with bread of uncertain composition, instead of utensils.
@ordinarybutloud - it was ethiopian. i’d forgotten that. we all breathed fire for days. and it was vegetarian and everything. i was going through a wild and crazy cooking phase at that time. i’ve gotten over that now.
@promisesunshine - I once made a North Indian feast for dinner from scratch. Good Lord, what was I thinking? Now we just go to Indian buffet. Much simpler and cheaper and it only takes 1.5 hours, including the roundtrip drive, as opposed to the 16 hours it took me to make 5 dishes.
@ordinarybutloud - yum. but, yea. too much. i made a medieval feast for a child’s birthday party. they wouldn’t eat any of it. (but it was soooo good!)
@ordinarybutloud - i mean back when i had child’s birthday parties. not any recent year.
@promisesunshine - medieval feasts = mead + smoked turkey legs. Right? I have a smoker. Maybe we’ll eat medieval tomorrow. Instead of queso, I mean.
@ordinarybutloud - i forget what the chicken thing was. really tasty stuff though. and frumenty or something, which was yummy too. we have certainly covered the food topic this evening. i’ll take food and beverages for a 1000 alec.
@promisesunshine - This sparkling alcoholic beverage is made in Italy by fermenting grapes.
@ordinarybutloud - what is whine? i mean wine.
@promisesunshine - No! What is PROSECCO! I just learned that word, because I’m unsophisticated, apparently. I just call everything “champagne.”
@ordinarybutloud - never heard of it. was this part of prom? i get no kick from champagne. just kidding. i love champagne.
@promisesunshine - why yes, we had Prosecco at prom. it was celebratory that way. and weird.
I can well understand your apprehension.
@roscoes_farm - i ampersand your comprehension.
you are a good person.
@plantinthewindow -