December 13, 2012
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not my problem
While I’m waiting for my poorly-timed 2 hour cake to bake, I have plenty of time to talk about my parent of the year award. Oh, that’s right. I won’t be getting it. The good news: I knew where both of my children were for most of this week so far. Give or take a couple hours. Each day.
Like, for example, last night. When LLO was at a churchy party instead of at church. When she was supposed to bring a wrapped book to exchange. (All of these things I could have remembered from the 3 years Spawn was in middle school. OR I could have actually read the email that I was sent telling me all these great things.) I could have been reminded that it was party night when the fuss was happening about the book. LLO happened to have one in her backpack. (A book she owned and liked. Which is truly shocking enough in itself.) But I didn’t think of it. In fact, had no idea she wasn’t in the building until Spouseman came to pick us up and couldn’t find her. At which time, I was informed by 3/4 of the people in the room (many of whom don’t even have middle school children) that it was party night. I didn’t even have time to panic, before phone calls were made on my behalf and then suddenly my kid appeared in the doorway since a very nice person had brought her back from the party. I didn’t even have time to feel like a complete failure as a mother.
Which I really am. Because at least one of my kids has a report card out there in cyber space- I think both- which I haven’t looked at. I can pretend that their grades are not a reflection of who they are and what they are doing. Am I really fooling anyone? I don’t think so.
On the other hand, I had quite a revelation with Spawn. Early last weekend she asked me to play the Google Translate game with her German homework and I said yes. Because it’s entertaining and fun to translate German paragraphs with Google by my side. However, she came to me at 8pm Sunday to play the game. And basically expected me to do all her thinking for her. She was completely disinterested in looking at the paragraph while I googled. And, you know what? I didn’t feel like being taken for that ride. I’m perfectly happy to help. But I’m all done with the enabling. And we had an epic fit. Well, I didn’t. She did. But somehow she managed to translate the paragraph on her own (or with her dad’s help) and she apologized to me Monday morning. Yada yada. Well, Tuesday morning she came to me and asked if I’d help her with a paper about medicinal moss. First question, when is it due? Wednesday, of course. My Tuesdays are busy as can be. So I told her to have a rough draft for me and I’d be happy to edit. I told her what the basic format should be, which she said she didn’t know. (Really?) I got home from Tuesday’s joyous drama and Spawn says to me that she didn’t get a rough draft done. I said these amazing words, “not my problem.” And I waited. The most incredible thing happened. She said “ok” and that she’d go write a rough draft. I waited. No drama. No hateful words. No crying. She actually just went and wrote a rough draft. I may never forget this day. Because honestly, I think this is the first time in nearly 16 years where her problem has not been my problem. It was beautiful.
Also my cake looks like glue because I seem to have dyslexia tonight. Sigh.
Comments (40)
you are a really good mom. things happen, and these things help our kids deal with reality, too.
: )
yes but you know where your kids are and you do have communication with them and as John said, you are a good Mom.
As long as the cake doesn’t taste like glue… Amazing things can be masked with frosting…
Ah…the joys of motherhood! Don’t feel bad about the cake…had same problem with a chicken last night!
Those are our favorite words; Amethyst and I speak the abbreviation NMP and everyone knows what it means. Life’s better, I think, when you know who owns the problems.
And a lesson was learned by all…. Why did it take 2 hours in the oven for a cake?
@armnatmom - it’s a pound cake.
@HappierHeathen - it’s a liberating thing. i think i’m going to make a sign. or a t-shirt.
@crankycaregiver - well. the cake looks baked now. is it edible? this i do not know.
@Zoz36 - we shall see. in any case, it will be better than artichoke pimento mold
@Grannys_Place - i have certainly taught my kids that moms aren’t perfect.
@plantinthewindow - reality. hmm. in some ways. but in so many other ways, we are completely on fantasy island. but thank you.
Oh dear, you are a great mom. We can’t be expected to remember everything or read every e-mail. Don’t be so hard on yourself.
All that sounds familiar, as if it had happened to me. With 7 kids, I’m sure it did, more than once. You are a good mom, and one day they will appreciate you. My kids, who now have teenagers, keep apologizing to me for their behavior when they were teens.
This sounds like a chapter (short one I know) from Anne Lamott’s writing.
That was quite the appropriate response. She’s getting there; good for you. Have a fabulous weekend!
@olwd - i think we are expected to. but everyone was very kind about the mix-up.
@vexations - thank you. quite a compliment since i know how much you like anne lamott.
@ata_grandma - 7 kids. that’s a reason for sure. i can’t juggle my two most of the time.
Sure, we are expected, everyone is expected to be good people too, but you see how well that is working out. Glad to hear they weren’t horrible about it.
Being a mom isn’t always easy. Noone can be perfect. You are doing fine. I have a couple teens of my own. It’s an amazing hectic crazy wonderful experience.
“Not my problem” has damn near become my mantra for staying sane. Like when my dad asks why I’m so stressed out and want to check myself into a psych ward, and I tell him, and he gets angry about it because apparently I’m not allowed to be human and find certain things annoying. Not my problem if he gets pissed off. I feel the way I feel and that’s how it is. Tough break, dad.
It would appear you are unhappy with your children’s scholastic ability. Teach them chess.
You have cake? Will you be my mom?
Wait a minute. I have a mom. She used to make cake. That was a long time ago.
You’re a great mom. Otherwise, I would have not even mentioned the position. Also. beneath it all, it sounds like positive steps were being made. Also, I have a report card I need to look at, too. Oops.
I don’t think any one of is the best Moms in the world. And you are doing the best. The best was when you shifted to her to come up with the draft, that she took on the responsibility. Good work.
excellent. i did not know where some of my kids were several times this week. so i am not even in the running for awesome mom award.
Well we’re not suppossed to be wonder women you know
we all get lapsus and we’re humans so we’re sometimes busy with our own stuff, in my case busy crying over my last imaginary friend fall out 
I think you’re doing it great and I also think social pressure has a lot to do on how we often feel like we’re failing as parents, cuz I don’t know one who thinks he/she is doing it great (except from my own mom, she thinks she’ve never ever made a mistake lol) … relax, your girls are amazing and creative, independent and happy children 
Lol that’s hilarious, great read. and I think the only people that get “mom of the year” awards are those who have nannies
I’m giving you the award anyway!!! Woohoo
Two hour cake? Are you cooking it at 100 degrees?
Sometimes I think you could have been my mom. Or I was your kid. Oh, the tantrums I threw. It’s fun to think on it. Well, no its not. One day you will laugh with your kids. Well, probably not. Maybe, because it is amusing to read your current perspective. There was no amusing perspective when I was a kid, just screaming and crying and hair pulling and door slamming. It’s amazing doors survived.
I don’t think I ever asked my parents help for schoolwork. They did sort of compensate by buying a set of encyclopedias.
So do your kids have their own computers yet? It is almost like an electronic mentor or a buddy to escape into fantasy. I challenge parents to put an electronic lock on their computer and not get it hacked.
The moms of the year either afforded nannies or paid to get that award. Donations is what drives a lot of awards.
@PPhilip - i don’t believe i did either. if i didn’t get my homework done, too bad for me. i have no idea why i got sucked in to being so involved in homework for my kids. i think part of it is the higher expectations for kids today. i really think we have higher educational expectations but (much) lower behavioral expectations. a problem that is mine. my kids have access to computers because a lot of their homework is on computer. but the extra crap they do on the computer is on my list.
yes, i have cake. and it’s pretty good.
@leaflesstree - supposed to be 300. but i cooked it at 200 for a good while. still worked out fine.
@greatredwoman - thank you
@shezadey - i don’t think that qualifies. somebody else raising your kids doesn’t make you a good mom.
@meddwl - funny you say that. my friend that i think is perfect claimed today that it’s all coping skills.
@ordinarybutloud - well, apparently there were 2 hours that i didn’t know where one was on tuesday- i just thought i did. and there was an hour yesterday where i forgot where the other one was. and there were a couple times today where i didn’t even know where i was.
@angys_coco - i even get to wear a cape!! not really, of course.
@distractedbyzombies - any day where the kids are still somewhat alive at the end is a success.
@RulerofMasons - my kids are very smart. they are just lacking in confidence and are so lazy sometimes i just wanna bop ‘em. i stink at chess. also, i’m weeks away from teaching one of them how to drive. i think that’s enough craziness for one mom.
@chronic_masticator - my new theme. not my problem. it’s one size fits all.
@Crystalinne - it certainly is. great fodder for talking about life.
I think you should give yourself a break.
I’ll give you MY award for mum of the year….Have a beer.
@Bricker59 - your reward means more anyhow.
At least you remembered you had kids. What, you’re supposed to be keeping track of them too? “Not my problem.” yep. T-shirt!
@songoftheheart - it’ll go great with my “freaking ray of sunshine” and my “you are my sunshine” with the link to johnny cash flipping the bird. my two current favorite t-shirts.
It’s a glorious thing. The when they realize their problem is not your problem thing, not your cake. Well, I don’t know, maybe the cake was glorious. I’ve not had sugar in a month, I could easily be tempted by a glue cake.
@WildWomanOfTheWest - the cake turned out ok in spite of me. the breakthrough with spawnwas glorious. a little inkling that the bird may be able to fly in 2 1/2 years.
I am sure you are one of the best moms around. Your children know that, but are just trying your patience~~ like all kids do. Don’t worry about the cake. you can always buy one!
Bravo! Sounds like the light went on! I hope that lesson sticks. (at least you didn’t leave your kid sitting on the steps of the YWCA downtown for 4 hours and only figured it out when there was a head missing at the dinner table!)
@murisopsis - that made me laugh. these darn kids are so hard to keep track of.
@ZSA_MD - :)
You are a mom!! Even Marines in dangerous areas when given a chance to say a Christmas greeting on TV, always mention their moms first.
You are doing a good job. Nor everything we try works, but your attitude is driven by a mother’s love for her children.
The best moms are always overlooked at the awards banquets. Better luck next year. Maybe you sleep with one of the judges.
@Aloysius_son - i think the guy i sleep with would probably say i get the award.
You’re not a bad mom. There seems to be a lot going on in your life at once. and I’m sure the cake wasn’t that bad.
I can’t tell you how many times I said not my problem…When it came to knowing what was going on I never knew what my son was doing he didn’t tell me and I didn’t ask if he forgot something it wasn’t my fault or problem but my daughters on the other hand sometimes I knew too much… My son says now he wished he had of been more open and loving and allowed his step monster into his life more that if he had of many things would not have happened he said he didn’t realized that I was one smart cookie until he was 22…that made me laugh
@SisterMae - that’s common enough. parents get pretty smart as kids get older.
i guess it’s a question of deciding which things are my problem and which are not. i’m getting better at it. for example, spawn wanted to do something last night and she didn’t mention it at all. not my problem. 
@xdeelynnx - thank you. the cake was fine. so are the kids.