November 25, 2012

  • opting in and opting out

    Now that I’ve titled this bad boy, I don’t know where to begin.  It’s all melodrama, I think.  So maybe it doesn’t even matter where I begin. Or end.

    In general, I’m in an opting out frame of mind right now.  I have somewhere to go in a little bit, and I’m not sure that I’m going to make myself.  I’m running out of excuses except that I just don’t feel like it.  I want to hide.  We bought a relative a funny t-shirt a couple years ago and I think I should own it myself.  It says, “I read your t-shirt, that’s enough social interaction for today.”

    I opted in to Thanksgiving with the in-laws and out of Thanksgiving with my p’s.  I opted in for spouseman’s cousin, who I really like, and her husband, who makes me laugh,  and doing a puzzle with her (and my mother-in-law) and holding her 5 month old grandson, who is freaking adorable.  (Egads.  Grandson.  I’m not sure that she’s 40 yet.  In fact, I think she is not.)  I really think she and her entourage are the only reason.  My brother-in-law was in a mood.  The bed we sleep in there is a torture device.  And that freaking bird clock drives me crazy.  My father-in-law thinks it’s hilarious.  He puts batteries in that clock just for me.  I’m serious.  So every hour on the hour some birdsong lets me know that time is ticking (slowly).  I packed an outrageous quantity of projects and activities for those two days.

    So, why on earth did I opt into their Thanksgiving and opt out of my p’s?  Because I’m desperately tired of doing double holidays, which we always do.  My mom was already irritated that we weren’t coming on Thanksgiving itself, so she didn’t care that we didn’t come at all this weekend and doesn’t seem to care if we go next Saturday either.  Or maybe that’s just my irrational feelings towards my brother who lives with them (for many and justified reasons, probably).  He’s a selfish, obnoxious prick.  There, I said it.  And my relationship with my parents is suffering for it, whether they are aware of it or not.  The last time I visited, I was there to do my mother a favor and the first hour of our visit was a full report on my brother’s job and schooling.  My brother has been in some kind of higher education for most of the past 20 years.  I actually think he’s been in nursing school since LLO was a baby.  And I don’t care.  Sorry, but I don’t.  I don’t care what his job is, because he changes jobs like most people get their hair cut.  I don’t care how far he’s driving or how hard he’s working or whatever.  Because it doesn’t appear to me that my mother cares about what’s going on with us.  She didn’t know how hard I was working.  She didn’t know how hard the beginning of middle school was for LLO.  I don’t think she knows that Spouseman has slightly migrated jobs.  She doesn’t know these things because I didn’t tell her.  But you know what?  She didn’t ask either.

    This was not what I was going to whine about.  Because the other day, Spawn says to me that she feels differently about her grandparents.  She was telling me about how my crazy uncle was giving her a hard time because my kids don’t know my mom’s side of the family.  Well, we don’t see them.  And there are thousands.  OK, hundreds.  Anyhow. She had the thought that these people aren’t really her relatives because we share no genetics.  And the reason that she feels differently about her grandparents is that she is biologically related to one set and not the other.  Holy crap.  Are you kidding me?  But then I wonder if this is really true.  It doesn’t seem to me like my parents feel about me the same way that I feel about my kids and honestly I probably don’t feel the same way about them that my kids feel about me.  But is that really because of genetics?  Or is it because of who these people are?  My in-laws have been thrusting themselves on us since the grandchildren were delivered by the stork.  They drove 3 1/2 hours one way for a day trip every week when Spawn was a baby until I couldn’t stand it any more.  My parents waited for us to visit them.  My in-laws beg us to let them visit.  My parents nag that we don’t come see them. 

    I remember when I was a kid, that’s how it was for us too.  We visited the grandparents, they did not come to us.  Spouseman’s grandmother lived next door to them.  You know she wasn’t waiting to be visited.  So, no, I don’t think it’s biology.  I think it’s who these people are.  They are who they are, faults and all.  Just like I am who I am: antisocial, unforgiving, tired, melodramatic.

    I should stay quiet.

Comments (26)

  • I think you just need a vacation and a break from all of that socializing.  I am planning a run away to a deserted beach some where with no other people and you can coem along if you wish.  I promise to be quiet and just sit there and soak up the sun.

  • It sounds as if you opted in for a little happiness on Thanksgiving.  ((((hugs))))  I think Ruth’s idea of the deserted beach sounds mighty fine.  

  • Anti-social can be a good thing, so you don’t have to go visit family. I’m not sure I even have a “family” anymore… I’m sure the holidays will be as bright and cheery with just you, husband and kids.

  • Man, family. Ick. I think I have it backwards of your kids. I know my mom’s family quite well, maybe TOO well, but my dad’s almost not at all. They never made much of an effort to come and see us and then they moved out of state and I have no desire to attempt to communicate with them. I figure they blew it for the first 15 years of my life, when communication was entirely not my responsibility (being a kid) so I’m not bothering to make an effort either. I will say that my dad doesn’t seem close to them either. And my mother doesn’t ask me questions about life. She thinks if it as not prying but I wonder if it’s lack I interest. Ah, childish thoughts. I’m glad I’m not the only one. :)

    There comes a time to break off family traditions in favor of new things. I think if I had a significant other or a spouse man I might try out those traditions instead.

  • families are a challenge that is for sure. – with little or no guarantee of a positive return…I feel your pain. HUGS.
    xxxooo

  • Ah, the holidays. Reminders of why we left to be on our own. I have family in WV that haven’t visited my dad in many years. I think this was the first time in years he didn’t go down for a visit. Gotta love a disfunctional family.

  • Sorry girl! Too bad that you couldn’t enjoy the thanksgiving or the spirit of sharing family fun. Next year go to Alaska. no one will follow you there.

  • I can sort of relate.  I sent my kids to their dad’s for Thanksgiving this year.  I didn’t have to but they have a good time there, aunts and uncles and cousins galore, and everyone enjoys each other.  Holidays with the ex’s family were always so much nicer than holidays with mine, and I don’t want to fore my kids into an exhausting schedule of double holidays.  Of course my fam is none too happy with my decision, they are of course offended.  

    For Thanksgiving, I went for a hike in the snow.  It was lovely.

  • I feel that the family that doesn’t make some kind of effort shouldn’t expect you to either.  And using guilt to get you to do what they want sounds pretty expected.  If you and yours have to travel to see them, then it should be on your terms.

  • I’d hug you but that much close physical interaction might put us both over the edge. I just spent 4 days with my sister and my mom. There is a weird dynamic going on there… loving but weird. I think it might be a birth order thing. Anyway we used to do double holidays but my inlaws solved the problem by wintering in AZ. So Halloween and 4th of July are their big holidays leaving Thanksgiving and Christmas for my side… Makes things less stressed.

  • I think it’s the best kind of fun when you catch your friends in moments of utter humanity like this. Sorry if that’s obnoxious.

    I could totally envision all of this so well that I wanted to laugh and cry and give you a hug, all at the same time. On the practical side, I got nuthin.

  • You had  a Bummer time. My wife dropped a bomb on me today—for the first time in 20 years we will exchange presents. Because I was not enthusiastic enough, she got angry. I joked about and that made her mad–she told me never to joke about it again. I sulked all day in the front bedroom.

    Anyway, Dr.Zakiah suggested Alaska. I think I will suggest Hawaii for next Thanksgiving.

    frank

  • You know my story…

    You can pick your friends, but you can’t pick your family.

    But , you can dump them. I did.

  • I think every family has this bunch. Some people are so stubborn and you have to love them for it. I say it might be worth biting the bullet every now and then, for the sake of family. But, if you don’t want to go, tell them the Amtrak went straight through your living room. And you didn’t even know Amtrak came through your way. You’re meeting the insurance people in an hour and have to make sure they cover everything. :)

  • well, kids say things about grandparents. I did. Now that I’m a parent I can see how it might have been hurtful or…something…but on the other hand, I guess I think my kids can feel however they feel about the rest of the family. It’s not personal. Some of them are fun to be around and some of them are not and it really doesn’t have anything to do with whether we love them. Ah, holidays. This is why I usually hate them.

  • My parents are the visitors and my in laws are the visited – complete with live in 30 year old son (who now lives with us!) and 21 year old live in daughter (who doesn’t currently have a job) and fiancĂ© (who does). We live 1000km from both sets, they live in the same city.

    During one of her (daily lol) phone conversations with my hubby, my MIL once commented that “Debbie and Roy get invited there a lot”. He replied “No, they work out when they want time off work, call us up and ask if they can come on x dates”. I believe he also said “You are welcome to do the same”.

    Glad he said it, not me lol

  • Reading this… now I am kinda so thankful for having a family that loves me (and drives me crazy at the same time).

  • ooxoo trust your feelings. yes, that’s who they are (i.e. it’s not necessarily genetics). yay for you only doing 1 thanksgiving; good grief.  & now you know why some of us say that friends, some friends are closer than family. a lot closer. oxoo (drew us a dryad ;)  

  • @Bels_Kaylar - i’m looking for this dryad. 

  • I’ve always been told that I should be thankful for not having to choose between parents and in-laws for Thanksgiving.  Little do people know I would always pick the in-laws if given the choice.

  • I get overstimulated by too much social interaction so I can definitely see where you’re coming from. And, ya know, if you really don’t want to do something, sometimes it’s better just to not, rather than bring that blegh feeling with.

  • I have always hosted the holidays until last year and this year. It’s a strange feeling, traveling to someone else’s home. But then, I was able to return to my very clean home when I got tired and didn’t need to host or entertain, so I think it was worth it. 

    Holidays aren’t easy on the anti social. Quit brushing your teeth and wearing deodorant. They won’t try to talk to you.

  •  just quit the deodorant, it’ll be enough and your teeth will thank you 

  • it seems to me that you ARE social, Carrie, in your own way.  to people who show that they care about you.  do you protect yourself emotionally from being hurt by their lack of caring?  possibly.

    yes, people just are who they are.  I know I’m finding out that I’m growing more antisocial, but I’m not sure why.  I need to find out why.

    I think you’re alright.  I’d visit you if I could.

  • @plantinthewindow - that is a very sweet thought, john.  that would be fun.
    i think you might be right.  i think you might be absolutely right.  i believe i need to have some conversations.
    @BoulderChristina - i would give money to host the holidays at my home.  (which no one would be able to stay in because it’s too small)  i got away with that exactly once.  there have been several times where i have opted out of attending. i think perhaps this might be one of those years.  having a couple days in my house alone is heaven.
    @ordinarybutloud - but this holiday season is starting out better for you.  i’m sensing. (with my spidey sense)
    @distractedbyzombies - you can laugh, cry and hug all at once.  family.  yikes.
    @murisopsis - wonder if i can get someone to move.  :)

  • I find myself opting out more and more as the years go by. Where will it end?

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