May 15, 2012
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therapissed
LLO had her first visit with the “therapissed” today. She came out extremely happy. She got to talk for 60 minutes nonstop. Loudly. I moved across the room and stuck my nose in book so I couldn’t still hear her through the very large closed door. And then she got to use the Keurig for some fancy tea. And then we went out for Rita’s therapy. And it was just one big party. She is happy today. She is the star of the show. Then she came home and proceeded to talk through dinner at high volume in the sisters pick-at-each-other-until-someone-is-screaming-or-crying game. You know what? I’m done.
I was reading this book study last night about all kinds of syndromes kids can have. I’m reading about bipolar depression and oppositional defiance disorder and plain old depression and when I finished reading the damn book, I wanted to throw it out the window. Because this kid of mine could fit in any one of those. And the other one has ADHD. And I can’t tell right from left today and can’t finish a thought and I can’t stop crying because I have just passed along all kinds of bad shit. I’ve ruined them.
Then LLO just has this wonderful grand time chit chatting at $80 an hour and the world is her playground. And I’m thinking I’ve been had. I get fooled a lot. I tell you. I’m gullible. And I can’t help thinking this girl has my number. It pisses me off. Because I’m dying inside. If she’s doing this all for attention (no matter how valid that may be), I’m going to be mad. I hate to be made a fool of. The one thing I can’t let go is when someone thinks I’m stupid.
When spawn was way little she had this “look”. It was a look that ripped my heart out. It was a “my world is ending, mommy, fix it” look that made me get all teary. It always worked. I would drop everything and do whatever was necessary to fix the world when she gave me that look. Then, one day. I caught her practicing it in the mirror. Game over, girlfriend. Imagine her surprise when the look didn’t work anymore.
LLO was talking to her sister while I was standing kind of in-between them staring out the window. Don’t ask. It was a serious discussion. I don’t remember what it was about, but I could feel LLO staring at me, judging the effect her words were having on me. And I asked her why she was watching. She didn’t deny it. Oh, sweetie, if you want my attention, you’ve got it. You may not be so pleased to have it.
Feed me my eyes. Can you sew them shut. I’ve been listening obsessively to Man in the Box today. I woke this morning with that song in my head. It’s probably been years since I heard or thought of that song. Maybe I’ll listen to Locomotive Breath next or I’ll take suggestions for angry songs. Death on Two Legs maybe.
The fine print: I’m not assuming that this drama is all fake. (I will forgive her even if I believe she’s faking.) I wouldn’t take the chance anyhow, because occasionally I’m wrong and the stakes are too high. Maybe I’ll go to a therapist too so someone has to listen to me talk for 60 minutes.
Now I believe I will take my urethaned wonder chair (which I’ve already promised not to make you look at again) into the backyard and read some more of that book.
Comments (44)
I can’t stop crying because I have just passed along all kinds of bad shit. I’ve ruined them – I have felt this way many times before, I promise you it will pass. I remember feeling the way you describe so many times. All I can say is hang in there, it will pass, and you are doing the best you can – just like the rest of us.
Motherhood is so often the pits! Will message you.
Oh how I empathize. You sound just like a mom… probably all mom’s everywhere. I can relate to all those emotions you just expressed. Being a parent is the most schizophrenic making job in the world I think. You never are sure which end is up and which is down, and you don’t want to make a wrong call… and you don’t know the score until the game is played and over.
side note: seeing a counselor yourself does help. I was fortunate to be covered by insurance.
Just realized I should add a p.s. – don’t read my post today… You probably will anyway but I really advise you to skip today.
I love your urethaned wonder chair. You know I do.
Hey, off-topic, I had to learn Man in the Box for that band audition I didn’t go to last year. It’s part of what convinced me I really couldn’t sing and shouldn’t go to the audition. Was I stupid, comparing myself to Lane Stayley?
I’m glad she went and glad she came out happy. I’ve noticed that ‘assessing’ behavior in my daughter. I once told my mother that I was afraid her entire personality was calculated/ fake. She told me they’re all like that: that’s what society expects little girls to be. Then again, both of my kids are always watching me like velociraptors, testing my weaknesses, waiting for the opportune moment to strike.
Have you tried listening to Man in the Box with her? That would make a hella sing-a-long.
I understand being fooled by your kid. My daughter learned at a very young age how to make herself vomit to get out of eating what she didn’t want, or to get out of doing chores. Boy was I ticked when I figured that out! But, you have to tread carefully here…she could be faking to get attention, or she could be happy because she had an outlet today. A good therapist has seen it all and will help you to sort it out.
@distractedbyzombies - man in the box is not your kind of song. imho. not that i want to put your talent in a box, i just think you’re a mellowy-er kinda singing dude.
i guess i should be pleased that my two behavior assessors will speak to me in public. that counts for something. you make me laugh, mark. thank you.
@JstNotherDay - i did see a counselor for a while. i didn’t really care for it. but she was helpful. perhaps i need to see that unloading on xanga all the time is only helping a little bit.
@BoulderChristina - i’m sure i’m falling apart after working so hard to keep my shit together all year.
@vexations - it’s just another rant in paradise.
@WakeUpLaughing - i trust the therapist.
girls are something, aren’t they? i know i was something too. at least now she’s doing the homework we agreed to yesterday. a step in the right direction.
@promisesunshine -
Hmm. Well, if it’s deceptive fakery, the therapist will (hopefully) see through it. Provided she’s good, which I hope she is for that money. I remember having a discussion with my mom about therapy not long after i started. She didn’t notice any changes in behavior so thought perhaps it wasn’t working. But it made me feel better so we stuck with it until the insurance issues made me stop.
You aren’t in any way responsible for any defects your kids might have – it is not like you can control your genes an md anyway she only has half of them. Regarding the book, it often seems that we have this need to put a lot of fancy names on things these days. Especially childhood things we don’t know how to deal with. Or don’t want to deal with maybe. I wonder if I’d have been labeled ADD or that oppositional one when I was a kid if such a thing had been the rage.
of course I could write a blog in return, here in the comment section. Just keep swimming. It’s all you can do, really. You’re a wonderful person and not stupid. If she’s playing you, let her, and know you know it. One day she’ll know you knew. My son just gave me a whole fake explanation for why he was disrespectful and I was supposed to buy it.
@leaflesstree - absolutely, let’s blame him! he’s out having a good time tonight acting and stuff, leaving me stuck with homework detail.
yes, i’m usually resistant to fancy names because the title is far less important than the coping skills. i’m just not very rational lately. and that’s that.
wow. and yes, yes, yes, to getting a good counselor type, for yourself. [i will confess to you, here, since most of my little xanga tribe knows this. it won't matter to anyone else, anyway. i lost custody of my only girl child in 2010 (or had it taken from me, depending on whose eyes one is using. i wasn't doing drugs, or anything else a person might think of, but i was seeing someone(s) that the father did not like. & i live in a very conservative state). i was working on and had fulfilled what the court wanted, re going back to joint custody, but she turned 13 and now won't even speak to me.] so. i wait, and live, and see a counselor so that i don’t keep looking for a bridge. but, i look at what you have to do, and i swear that it may be the harder road. you so, so, have my support, for what’s that worth.
@Bels_Kaylar - i don’t even know what to say to you except that what you’ve said has broken my heart. stay the heck away from bridges, because she may yet come back to you. (many 13 year old girls don’t speak to their mothers, yet live in the same house) i think perhaps your support is worth a lot.
@ordinarybutloud - you are right. sometimes i just laugh at bogus kid explanations. what does my dad say. oh. if you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.
@promisesunshine - a. i am sorry, sunshine; i did not say all of that to break your heart, or upset, but only to express my admiration for what you are going through. some might think that what i am going through is worse, but i would disagree, after your post.
b. thank you for not jumping to judgments, re this xangan. ’tis kind of thee, and as the Dalai Lama says, kindness is (a) religion. your kids are so lucky to have you, but it may be years and years before they realize that. so, us xangans are here,
in the meantime
You are doing all that you can and then some. Like you said even if she just wanted attention that is something that needed to be addressed and sounds like you have given her. Good luck! Btw “i have ruined them” thought crossed my mind like every week.
Sean Connery: I’ll take “the rapists” for 100.
Alex Trebek: That is “therapists”, Mr Connery.
@Bels_Kaylar - i thrive on being sad for other people. i try very hard not to judge people. (i don’t always succeed because i’m no saint.) there are always multiple sides to every situation.
@awoolham - i just remembered that i expected this one to give me a run for my money in her teen years. the other one made me insane when she was little and is practically easy peasy lemon squeezy now. (knock on wood) why didn’t i write this down so i’d remember? oh. because she’s only 11!!! she’s not a teen. i’m babbling now.
I started to play the “if only I’d have done this or that differently” game a long time ago and stopped. I do what I can, the best I can – the same as every loving parent. I have to believe that whatever happens they know they are loved and that is possibly the most powerful thing we as parents can do. So cut yourself some slack and continue to love them! I hope your beautiful chair brings some relaxation and peace to the rest of your day. *hugs* (everything will be alright but if you need angry music – “God Save the Queen” by the Sex Pistols. About as angry as you can get – heck all punk songs are angry!
@SlackerSociety - snort. thanks for the giggle, stranger.
@murisopsis - god save the queen coming right up. i’m a little less angry now. perhaps the world is safe from my temper after all.
If she needs attention, there is something behind it, so therapy will help discover what’s going on. ((((hugs)))) Being a mom is one of THE toughest jobs.
@songoftheheart - just keep swimming. i can do this.
@promisesunshine - Take lots of notes, and it’ll make a great book some day. You CAN do this. It may take the wonder chair and a lot of wine, but you can do it, kiddo.
I really hope she was just happy to have an outlet. Either way the therapist should be able to see through it if she’s just looking for attention. *hugs* hang in there
I hope the therapy helps her
@promisesunshine -
@wretched_epiphany - @godfatherofgreenbay - thanks.
You don’t need a therapist, you have us! And we’re free.
Spawn PRACTICED THE LOOK IN THE MIRROR?!?!?!?!? jeez.
@onestepcloserto_perfection - this is true. but eventually you’re all going to get tired of listening to me whine. it’s all i ever do anymore. and i’m tired of listening to myself.
Kevin Leman writes some of the best stuff on childrearing that I’ve seen. He’s got one called Pull Out The Rug And Let The Little Buzzards Tumble.
@Roadkill_Spatula - i may go get that just for the title. leave it lying around the house.
@promisesunshine - We’ll never get tired of listening to you. If you’re tired of listening to yourself then how will listening to yourself more help?
@onestepcloserto_perfection - that almost makes sense to me.
practiced sympathy face huh? damn woman. i’m sorry. it must’ve been like a stab in the gut to find that
the other stuff i can relate to. just the anguish.
i think therapy might be some benefit both of us
@bonmots - i have a sign.
@promisesunshine - ?
@promisesunshine - i am going to my daughter’s therapist tomorrow. i am not exactly clear on why we, or rather my daughter is still seeing her instead of someone perhaps more qualified. i have a few questions for her
@bonmots - um. yea. that made no sense. i think i was thinking about jeff foxworthy. here’s your sign.
@bonmots - leave her breathing.
it’s tough. you can’t know and there is a lot at stake if wrong. i remember when i was a kid growing up. lots of issues. lots of things about society upset me. therapy was not the norm it is today but somehow i landed on my feet without it yet i know there were a few kids who didn’t. it’s important you’re doing your best though. i’m sure your efforts are felt.
@TheSutraDude - it feels better at home all ready. i think we plunge into parenthood without a thought about how much there is to it. probably a good thing though. nobody would do it if they actually thought ahead.
I really do hope the therapy helps. Even if she is only behaving this way to get attention, the question still remains why she feels the need to be the center of attention to the point she’ll even accept negative attention. Hopefully the therapist will help her get to through it so she can let go of it.
My son does the faces in the mirror as well, his “look” only works on Granny and Papa as does his fake crying. I am dreading when he becomes a teenager.
@Erika_Steele - i’ve heard that boys are easier as teens than girls. but, i’ve heard a lot of things. fooling granny and papa is ok. i’m guessing they don’t mind giving in to everything anyhow.
@Roadkill_Spatula - i should have googled this BEFORE i tried to get it at barnes and noble.