January 16, 2012
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panic
yep, that’s what it is.
i’m taking two grad school classes again this semester. last semester when i survived this experience (and possibly thrived in it), i assured myself i wouldn’t have to do it again. unfortunately that was before i knew that i needed that other class. so i have to do two again this semester in order to get the prize when i want it. and i want to earn the prize and i don’t want to drag out the earning any longer than i have to, because i miss my life. so two classes it is, tough cookies, sister.
and the classes, yessirree. no reason to panic about them in spite of the fact that one grade is almost entirely based on classroom participation. (not that the learning is less important to me than the grade, but still… why do it if i can’t do reasonably well.) some people may not find that terrifying, but i do. because i don’t like to talk in class. i like to sit quietly and absorb in my own little way. because talking in class is terrifying. it took me 3 semesters to raise my hand with the crowd i knew. it’s a whole new crowd mostly now. who cares what they think, because most of them are 20somethings with no experience to speak of. and, as one professor said to me, i have plenty to offer my classmates. but there it is. i don’t want to.
and i don’t want to work hard right now. i want to still be on winter break. i like winter break. it’s a break. relaxing is good. playing and being are good. reading and thinking on demand are not. but, too bad for me, because break is over and it’s back to the grind. tough cookies, sister.
and it’s january. i hate january. january was created by the devil. it’s cold. it’s long. it’s miserable. it’s ugly. but, again, it is january and i need to get over that too. i have a long history of struggling in this semester they call spring. what a cruel thing to do. to call the semester that starts in january- frigid, miserable, stinking january- spring semester. because by the time the weather catches up with the name and the beauty and rejuvenation of spring, i’ll be up to my eyeballs in the chaos of the end of the semester and won’t be able to absorb spring. it’s a cruel way to start a semester. i protest. but, the university is not going to change the name for me.
i didn’t get enough done this weekend. so when i get home from an exhausting day of work, i get to work like a dog to catch up with what i should have done this weekend. i’m not excited about that, i can assure you. but, tough cookies, sister.
so. i need a peptalk. i need a little cheering squad. rah rah. even though i have plenty of people in my corner, telling me i can do this thing, if i ask, it really isn’t what i need, is it? it’s gotta come from inside this sad little stubborn head of mine. i have to beat down that panic with a big stick. i have to get control of myself. stop whining. stop worrying. stop thinking about what i’d rather be doing. stop thinking about every past crappy january in the universe. and start. because it’s a good prize.
give me a cookie. (and a glass of milk)
quoted this to spawn this morning: strength and fortitude, keeps a man from getting screwed. she thought i was being inappropriate. (score one for mom)
Comments (21)
Yay for being inappropriate. tell that kid, welcome to life.
I know you dont need a pep talk.. you got your head screwed on real good.
But, GO GET IT.
I have one glass of milk (Actually I want to tell you that I used to teach grad classes with undergrads enrolled) The grading scale, at least where I taught, was supposed to be different for undergrads! Please check it out as some instructors are not aware of this. Hard to believe I know that a college prof. might not know about this little detail.
For a ccokie, you might meet with the prof and let her/him know you are not good at classroom discussion. There is a slight chance he or she might let you turn in a written response or encourage you in some way.
If you want another half-glass of milk you might want to pay attention to where you sit! You are more likely to “feel” comfortable if you are NOT in the back row or away from the table. Sit at the table, is some advice I am hearing now as I listen to a talk on TED of advice to women on how to make it in a man’s world (or something like that) Oh, this is advice so you know what you can do with advice, ignore it.
You can do it, I’m sure you’ll be able to release the fascinating joyful you in class and everyone would be delighted to hear what you have to say. I know I’d love to take a class with you
I completely agree with you though january is evil. I have to teach Philosophy and latinamerican lit. to high school seniors this year :
Personally I’ve never understood why anyone would want to get blood from a stone, but it takes all kinds, I guess.
Hey, it’s college. Personal growth is an important part of it. I hate speaking up, too, but what do you care what your classmates think? They’re 20-something. Show them how it’s done, girl, and have fun with it.
I long to go back to school, but will have to wait until I can reasonably afford it. I know you can do it! January is just the name of a month named after the god Janus. He’s a blowhard idiot. He can’t touch you. No being skeered of some silly little month that is already half over.
you ‘are’ the tough cookie, sister!!
good advice from vex. i’m not the best at cheerleading, but i’m here to say you can do this. you signed yourself up, knowing you can so you’ve got the belief all right. this is going to be a piece of delicious cake. you’ll see. just you wait, by spring break you’ll be sailing clear waters. have fun with it, carrie. that is going to make the difference. <3
good luck with your courses
screwed…hahahaha although I think strength and fortitude would lead to screwing
rah rah ree! kick em in the knee! rah rah rass! kick em in the other knee!
you can do it, yes you can! if you can’t do it, no one can!
you were inappropriate with your daughter. cool.
and I heard that quote of yours in the song. : )
“who cares what they think, because most of them are 20somethings with no
experience to speak of. and, as one professor said to me, i have
plenty to offer my classmates.” And this is what you hang onto, because you are so much more than these kids who are wet behind the ears and who expect everything to be handed to them.
I’ve talked to a lot of our professors. Really, an intelligent comment here and there will go a long, long way. Like Bill said, don’t sit at the back of the class. Then when you speak, you won’t have an entire class turn around to look at you (not that they would, but hey!).
You can do this. I’m proud of you. I never went back and finished my degree. Our semester starts tomorrow, so I’ll be thinking of you. And I know you can do this.
(Is that your pastel drawing as your profile pic? I like it!)
@vexations - it’s good advice. thank you. as for the grading, they are in a undergrad/grad program so they are doing both at the same time. grading should be the same, i’d think. i’ve heard along the way that they feel they aren’t getting as much out of the classes as people in the real world. which i’m sure is true. so bully for me. @songoftheheart - yes, i can do this. (that one’s the darker version i did the other day. i have a bright one too. so glad i bought my kiddos pastels for christmas) @plantinthewindow - all you need is a cute little skirt and a pony tail.
i love that rowdy song for days like today. @godfatherofgreenbay - thank you. sometimes the getting is just fine too. 
@be_the_rain - have fun with it. that’s good advice too. you’re wonderful, lea.
@roscoes_farm - yes, mr. boy scout, i will. @xXxlovelylollipop - yikes, high school people. scary. you are rock solid awesome, nadia. @lanney - personal growth? that’s like a dirty word. but i can do this thing. @adventofreason - that’s right, january is almost over. i’m lucky for the faculty/staff discount for sure or i couldn’t do it either. @longshadow618 - nah. i’m a chewy cookie.
I worked my ass off in grad school! I had to walk sometimes 7 miles a day to and from classes/home in any weather (parking was retarded). I took big class loads and worked three part time jobs most of the time. I totally feel your pain! The good thing I remember is that every semester, no matter how daunting at the outset, was over before I knew what had happened and I got the grade (or close enough). Your labor will be rewarded. You are capable. Break the work down into chunks when you can and try to just look at the piece in front of you. It’s just a lot of tiny little steps and you can get through this. The days are getting longer now. We’re past the shortest day.
You’ll be in my thoughts
@oceanstarr - yes, breaking in chunks makes it easier. and i don’t have it nearly as hard as you did. for sure. i don’t have to walk that far, for one thing. and two classes is very doable. thanks for the perspective. and you are very right. it will be over before i blink.
@promisesunshine - If you ever need someone to proof a paper, my degrees are in English lit and I’d be happy to help out – message me if you want an email address.
@oceanstarr - ooh. thank you! only one paper this semester. if i don’t take you up on that it’s because i put it off too long. i’m that kind of procrastinator.
@promisesunshine - No sweat – I offer that to all my friends still in school. I’ve graded thousands of papers and I’m pretty quick at it. Feel free to ask if you need me.
Sounds like a busy schedule at college and I hated classromm participation also, and also groups projects. I didn’t have a life outside of college and kids when i was going.
Hope it all goes well for you.
@Grannys_Place - oh! i think there’s only one group thing to do too. another spin with positivity. lucky that i don’t like to sleep. so i can still have an itty bitty life.
Spring semester is tough to get back into… probably a bit worse than entering fall semester. I just kept May in mind to help me get through the spring semester.
You’ll be fine. I know you can do it!
@Cestovatelka - thanks. may is not that far away. bwa ha ha