November 20, 2011
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don’t touch
Prickly. Cactus. Porcupine. Those little burr things that get stuck on your socks. Me.
I had a couple dreams last night. I dreamed I was lighting candles for some kind of ceremony. I needed to be trained to do this for some reason. I practiced with birthday candles and either burned my finger or had some kind of twitch, because I threw the candle across the room. It stayed on fire (because this was a dream after all) and burned the ugly blue carpet. In another dream, the wind was blowing in the window. I have these little shelves around the windows in my current house, but the window in the dream was my childhood window. Anyhow, I usually have these antique glasses up on the shelves. They were my grandmothers. They are frosted glass and have carousel animals painted on them. Very sweet. I put them away for last Christmas and haven’t gotten them out again. That tells you how on top of things I am lately. So in my dream the wind blew down the glasses which of course shattered. As I’m picking up the pieces, I see that the blue paint on the wall is chipped.
Naturally, because I have remembered these dreams, I feel they must be analyzed or at least deemed important. I guess the blue is incredibly cliche. So cliche we’ll just leave it to sit there and rot. I am breaking things. Many things.
My mother is angry with me. We have the ordeal of Thanksgiving looming, always with both families at separate times. We’ve done Thanksgiving all together at all three houses a few times, but no one is ever happy with that except me. For the past several years it’s worked out to do actual Thanksgiving with my parents and the weekend with spouse’s folks so that the bro- and sis-in-law can be there too. My mother has enjoyed this. Well, this year MIL wanted Thanksgiving so we could get together with assorted cousins. I didn’t tell my mom until last week. She’s pissed. I hate Thanksgiving.
I have had a week of speaking without thinking. I think I have annoyed every person who has had any kind of extended dialogue with me this week. Random strangers are safe. Generally. I even let the sarcastic loose at school, but I don’t think the kids noticed. So I suppose it’s just adults that I’m aggravating. I have had a week of being irritable. I’ve been annoyed by everyone I live with. Doesn’t mean they are not irritating. Just means that maybe I have felt more irritability than the situation warranted.
I am so lucky. I’m surrounded by people who are wonderful and care about me. Real life people. Here people. And it’s just never enough. Nobody can give me enough attention to satisfy the greedy demon. And so I break. Not me, seems like I’m already pretty broken right now. But people. There isn’t enough glue in the world to fix the ugly.
Yesterday spawn and I did a little craft show. This is one of our bonding things. We have all sorts of inappropriate conversations while sitting at a table. I’m going to cut off her hair while she sleeps and pay for some therapy. Anyhow. I made these. Simple, easy, looks like a 10 year old made them. But, hey, it was fun and they are colorful.
And spawn got a hairigami gizmo or whatever it’s called. We had fun playing beauty parlor.
There. I said two positive, upbeat things.
Now I hit save even though I shouldn’t.
Comments (24)
After many years of life I finally decided that my either my dreams were just chemical reactions and electronic impulses or else I was totally nuts. The choice was clear: I refused to believe I was nuts.
Sometimes you need a place where you can talk about the prickly, just so you don’t carry it back into real life.
Holidays are so hard when you have various families to please. I came home with my son from the hospital on December 23 after having a c-section. The in-laws always celebrated Christmas eve. We said that since we’re coming home on the 23rd, we wanted to have Christmas eve at our house. You know, new baby, surgery, it would just be easier. I could not believe the stink they put up about it, how it was tradition and all. Honestly, even the brother-in-law complained. Excuse me, I just had my uterus cut open, I feel like crap, and I have a one year old and a brand new baby on top of all of that. We refused to go. It was the one and only time the ex actually had a pair, you know? He never stood up to his mother. So they gave up tradition and came over for Christmas eve, never seeing why it was so important. You should see the picture of me from that day. I looked like death warmed over.
I wish you could just do what you want, and have a peaceful holiday. Hopefully one year you will find the perfect balance, and to heck with what everyone else says.
Speaking without thinking sounds like me at times. But I blame it on being a Sagittarius. We frequently speak without thinking first. It’s in the stars. LOL!
It’s great that you have a fun bonding experience with spawn doing craft shows! fun! Enjoy those times while you have them!
holidays are tough. if you’ve got children and lots of family close enough to see, it’s a sociopolitical drama. if you’re far away from family and don’t have spawn, it’s lonely. there don’t seem to be many intermediate states.
you’re a great mom. i know it gives you unsettling dreams and makes you wish. but for what it’s worth i really respect you for it.
@songoftheheart - Thank you!!
We fought hard to get Christmas. It took a lot of years to win that battle. And I think it might have been won the year I came home around Dec. 23 from a c-section to a spouse and the almost 4 year old down with the flu. Fun times. In any case, I know I can’t win with Thanksgiving, and I feel guilty for wanting to because someday they’ll all be gone.
Sometimes it just sucks to be a Sagittarius. Now I just need to grow up and get over it.
@homealivein45 - i might need some different chemicals.
@complicatedlight - I feel guilty too that I’m annoyed that the families are close by and there’s no good reason not to see them. Especially when so many other people don’t have that option.
thanks for the compliment. i hope i deserve it- not always sure that i do.
Good gracious I identify with this *so thoroughly* you can’t imagine. My parents have been divorced for thirty years. THIRTY YEARS. You’d think they’d stop competing over my sister’s attention and who makes the turkey and who is invited. Oh, how I despise the holidays. Oh, how I drink through the holidays, every year, an extended hangover until New Year’s Eve which is a joy! My favorite night! Dinner out with the hubby, no family, no kids, just me and a steak and a single glass of champagne. Thank GOD the holidays are over, for eleven more months.
@ordinarybutloud - yup. i love when the holidays are over. and i sometimes get to spend time with people i actually want to spend time with. and they wonder why i’m freaking nuts by then.
@promisesunshine - every year in October my husband and I get to start talking about how I’m being such a pain in the ass because the holidays are coming. I start ramping up when the Halloween decorations come out, which unfortunately was SEPTEMBER 27 this year. WTF??? I hate hate hate hate October, November and December. HATE THEM! Would like to travel to the other side of the globe every year for those three months.
@ordinarybutloud - loathe. despise. dread. and all of our bleeping birthdays happen now too. shoot me. please. i don’t even get the halloween decorations out anymore. the only thing i like about christmas is the music. and some of those tunes make me want to go postal.
@ordinarybutloud - @promisesunshine - oh will you two just get a room already? <3
For the first time in a long time I am cooking at home. Since we moved to this new apt with room to breathe in I have room to cook and have dinner sitting down at a table with family.
Whatever you do this T Day, enjoy.
Shattered glass and a burned finger. Let me think on that…..
@Grannys_Place - that sounds nice. happy thanksgiving.
@vexations - i await your interpretation…..
@complicatedlight - ha. @promisesunshine - did a birthday today. Three more birthdays and two major holidays before December 31. Yay.
@ordinarybutloud - oh my god. you have the birthday extravaganza too? it’s like we’re twins in hell.
@promisesunshine - wanna know something sadly funny? I ridiculed my MIL before I married my husband, because she had a baby at Christmas. Who has a baby at Christmas?! Who doesn’t plan better than that?! That’s the kind of karma that bites you in the ass. And I totally deserved it.
@ordinarybutloud - it wasn’t karma for me. (because he’s a thanksgiving baby) but it sure bit me in the ass anyway. and you know, the first one is almost ok. but when it happens again?
@promisesunshine - HAHAHAHAHA…I’m only responsible for one of the 4 holiday birthdays in my immediate local family. Thank goodness.
@ordinarybutloud - what can i say? i’m just not real smart.
@promisesunshine - oh, I don’t believe it! (not the birthday thing. I TOTALLY believe the birthday thing).
you did… you said two very upbeat things.
it’s nice to know that Thanksgiving isnt just drama for my family, anyway.
@roscoes_farm - drama on the farm? no way! i can’t believe you allow that